My first marriage was to a man, who although pleasant, had less financial sense than a 5 year old. This wasn’t just me – his own mother was relieved we were marrying so I could take care of him. I had lost my job and had started a business using my savings and unemployment. He basically made less working than I did on unemployment. His idea – play Lotto. He bought the you gotta be in it to win it ad.
Yup, I had massive credit card debt. One month, the bills came in, I literally doubled over and could not stand up. I had massive pain in my stomach. It took about two days till I could stand, do anything and of course, pay those bills. The second month it happened, I figured out the trend. It continued thereafter. Usually, I could stand but could not do much of anything else. It’s hard to read or think when you are in pain. The marriage ended. I cleared up the debt and it basically went away. However, anytime I was in a stressful situation, it came back. Mercifully, the duration was only a few hours and I have found that tea and warmth around my stomach help.
My last real bout of this was 10 years ago or so when my life started falling apart or changing. I was seeing a counselor at the time and did manage to show up for an appointment in distress. She suggested it could be irritable bowel or colitis. Before I could go to the doctor, I was laid off. As I told the man who let me go “Thank you. Summer on the beach with shells in my hair”. No more stomach problems.
Periodically, about once a year or so, I get an “attack”, usually short-lived.
I am so much more than the condition(s) that are afflicting me. Most times, I forget until I try to stand up or walk. Right now, I am involved in projects at my job that not only do I enjoy but are high profile. I do have a meeting scheduled with the top guy to present my work. I have noticed through out my working life that if things are going well or have the potential to go well, I get sick, typically a respiratory thing and/or fever. I have never taken a final in high school or college without a fever. I closed on my mother’s house and walked out of the offices with a 102 fever and had to go to bed for a few days. My body knows. So, I am working away on this presentation and putting in major time. It’s the reason I haven’t blogged. I felt prepared and rather calm. Then I had two meetings and need to do more work. Not a problem. I have been house bound due to the weather. Oh yeah, the other night, whammo! My stomach thing hit full force. I was grey, perspiring, in intense pain, the kind where every time you move and every way you move, hurts. I knew exactly where it was coming from. My body was telling me that I could not move forward and do this. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t sleep. Taking deep breaths hurt! 3 a.m. found me panting. My brain struggled through to my body and said Enough! I am approaching a milestone age which has been weighing on me. There are things I want to accomplish with my life. It’s time for me to deal with it and realize what’s left of my potential. I woke the next morning and started going for it. As I write this my stomach is twinging but I am writing and working. I am not going to let my body continue to sabotage me. And isn’t that what part of this condition is? My body literally not allowing me to move forward? When I was in counseling during that bad time, the counselor said when you get upset you let your feet out from under you. I am not saying that what’s happening with me is psychosomatic. It isn’t but I am also saying the mind/body connection is a powerful one.
And as I said when I started this unforeseen journey, I will overcome. I will rise. It will be different.