I fantasize about sleep. I count days and hours until I can sleep. I roll over in bed and think either this time tomorrow I’ll be sleeping or this time tomorrow I’ll be awake. I have to get up for work some time between say 4:10 a.m. and 4:30 a.m. four mornings a week. One of the effects of the condition I have is supposed to be fatigue. However, my doctors say with the hours I keep, who can tell? I see their heads nod and eye droop when I describe my hours and my schedule. They say anyone would be fatigued given that schedule. And I am getting older. It’s just a fact. I have read that as we age, we need less sleep. NOT! Ok, so maybe we don’t need it to grow, that doesn’t mean our bodies and minds don’t want it.
I keep memories of a good sleep like notes on a good bottle of wine. I still remember the sweet deepness of sleep the night of Hurricane Sandy. I had one almost as good the night of a blizzard last month.
I guard my sleep ferociously.
I have been to the office only three times this month. Yes, a few hours more sleep but much less walking. Here’s my vicious cycle, the less I walk, the less I am able to walk. We have been trying to compensate by having me do the stepper every night but still I have been coming in at most around 5,000 steps. A normal day for me at work is over 7,000 and I used to get to 10,000 or more. I did go into work this past Thursday and could barely walk. It was bad. My husband doesn’t understand that I just can’t stop when I am working remotely and do 15 minutes on the stepper. Plus, it’s not the same as walking. I have tried to get in 30 active minutes a day.
Yesterday, we set up the treadmill upstairs. My plan is to go on it in the morning when I drink my coffee. We’ll see. Yesterday I struggled to do 5 minutes on it. My goal for today is 6 minutes.
Confession – I have been lax with my PT exercises. I was really on it for awhile and then it just started fading away. I was doing abs every night and then I fell. It hurt too much. I am hoping to start again this evening.
Cut to last night. 3:50 a.m. Husband gets up. “I have been thinking and I have decided”. This is when I call him Jack because he sounds just like his father. ” You know I dream things through, you know how I used to help you with your exercises? Well, I really can’t now because of the operation”. Then he went through all the exercises I am supposed to do and what he could or could not do. Told me I couldn’t do 10,000 steps today as I had only done 3500 yesterday but I would do 6000 today. I would do the PT twice on weekends but not during the week as I certainly can’t get up before 4. And maybe, he will create a spreadsheet to track everything. Now I know he’s talking in his sleep because spreadsheet is not a word he uses. He has the remarkable ability to have complete literate conversations when he is completely asleep. And I am looking at the clock thinking “this time tomorrow I will have 20 minutes more to sleep”. I can’t hit him because of the operation. I drifted off. This morning he has a vague recollection of the whole thing but says it goes to show I am always thinking about you.