I watched the Joy Luck Club on Mother’s Day a few years ago. It seemed appropriate. Originally, I had read the book and loved it. When the movie came out, I went and saw it with my mother. I was either unemployed or underemployed at the time. I really didn’t have the money but because of the employment situation or lack thereof, we went to a matinee. It was cheaper. My mother also would have received a senior citizen rate. We used to do that when I was out of work. It was one of the ways in which she tried to cheer me up.

I remember crying at both the book and the movie. A good cry is important to me especially when I’m having a bad work situation. I was always known for letting down eye water. Crying is extremely cathartic and a movie or a book lets you cry without guilt. It enables you to deflect your feelings and is healthy. I was fascinated by the relationships and the history. It was a history that I was unfamiliar with. My mother always loved history and this too appealed to her.

The Joy Luck Club is the story of mothers and daughters. Mothers who come from different places, make choices or have choices made for them and love their daughters. Love expresses itself in different ways. These ways are not always apparent to the daughters. Even though the mothers and daughters in this story are Chinese, the elements are universal.

My mother also came from a different place and a different culture. I knew in my bones that my mother loved me. It was the right thing to do. However, I did not think that she liked me. In many ways, we were such different people. We bore a strong family resemblance although physically, I am much more like my grandmother. I am like Grandma spiritually as well. Grandma and I always adhered to the maxim, “It is better to look good than to feel good.” I actually think for my grandmother and me, it was a matter of self-defense. To paraphrase TS Eliot, “a face to meet the faces you meet”. No one looking at us would understand the effort and the strength behind the armor of our appearance. My grandmother often told the story of how she wore a special dress and had to the reading of her father’s will because she knew she was going to be disinherited. She was going to hold her head up and she was going to be recognized. We are not easily defeated.

My mother and I had the same blistering smile. Again, another weapon I inherited. It’s one of the few things I took away from college and kept in my quiver. A soldier bares its teeth before it goes into battle. Apes bare their teeth before they attack. My smile can be deceptive. Don’t make the mistake of thinking less of me because I do smile. It is something that women do and that men do not understand.

So, mothers and daughters on Mother’s Day. My mother always thought it was a commercial holiday. She did not want us taken advantage of. She believed you acknowledged your mother all year. I followed her example and most paydays brought her some kind of present or acknowledgement.

My mother has been gone for over a decade. I am now a senior citizen myself. The years have given me insight into what she may have been feeling. We can never truly know what someone else thinks or what their motivations are. It must have been difficult for her looking at my face which was so close to hers but being a different person. I am the product of a different place and time plus half of me comes from someone else.

How terrifying I must have been in a certain way. I’ve always said that I was the pale shadow both in color and in life of my mother and grandmother. I certainly operated in the shadow of both women. But I cast my own shadow.