shoes

Broken Canes, Mary Poppins and Peter Pan

Posted on by tresswann

Last Monday morning I started off to work.  It was the first time I think in weeks that I was going to work and in a skirt.  No clunky snow shoes.  I had on my regular granny nanny tie shoes.  I was feeling positive.  As I got on the escalator the handle of my cane felt weird.  Hmmm,  I didn’t realize it was jointed.  I use collapsible canes.  And until the last few months didn’t break it out until I was in the last leg of the way home at Penn, then tucked it away on the train so when I stepped out it was safe in my back pack.  That being said I also go with pretty.  Not for me those orthopedic metal looking horrors.   In fact, we argued with my Dad when he started using one for whatever reason, we got him an Irish walking stick.  My first one was black with multi colored butterfly.  This one was dark purple with flowers.    I get to the top of the escalator, stop to adjust backpack and the handle split apart and flew off.    Two men who are on my train picked up the pieces and handed them to me.  OK so I am missing the handle but I still have the stick part, just about the same height, no problem, right?  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  It devastated me to realize that I couldn’t walk in empty space without it.  When did this happen?  I stumbled and staggered to the bus.  Then I had to walk the block to the office.  I held onto a marble barrier.  Didn’t see my friend who sometimes crosses with me.  There is a security guard who watches out for me and he was coming into work and helped me up the steps and into the building.  The building is a city block so I had to prop myself up another 3/4 block to get to my floor and then walk half a block to my desk.  I was shattered.  Being nervous made it so much worse.  During the day at work I don’t use the cane unless I go to another floor.

I recovered a bit and came up with Plan B.  I did realize as soon as it broke that there was no way that I could walk and do my subway usual without it and was going to take a cab.  My stagger into work when I wasn’t fatigued, was horrible.  So I initially thought cab, not happening!

One of my friends volunteered to go down to Duane Reade and get me another cane.  No,  I have a pretty spring one at home. My friend, the receptionist, usually has a golf umbrella.  My thought, it’s the right height with a handle.  My other friend goes to get it.  I call husband who says are you crazy?  I’ll come in with spare cane.

He calls and tells the kids that he pictures me with the umbrella being lifted up and sailing over Grand Central, like Mary Poppins.  Kids haven’t stopped giggling.  And sometimes, he makes me feel like I am being dragged by Mary Poppins when he tries to make me walk faster and longer.  I am skimming above the sidewalk.

And me, I miss being Peter Pan.  Didn’t ya think you could fly like Peter when you were younger?  I did.  I can see and feel it in my mind.  And I want to be Peter again.  I want to be free and soar outside of my body again.  I will figure this out!

Vanity, the Spectral Leg and Vows

Posted on by tresswann

cropped-shoe-with-brace.jpgI have always been consumed with the way I looked.  I joke “Clothing is my life”.  I can look at a picture and know by the clothes I was wearing what was going on.  It’s how I express myself.  For example, at a certain period in my life, if I was wearing pants to work, it meant I was unhappy and didn’t want to be at that job.

I grew up in a household where “ladies didn’t wear trousers”.

And I was/am a dress and heels kind of woman.  People would say Oh we are getting older now we don’t need to wear heels.  Or isn’t it wonderful that flats are in fashion.  NOT.

I used to walk a 15 – 17 minute mile.

When I went to get fitted for the spectral leg as I call my brace or as the doctor calls it my appliance, the ortho guy told me I would never wear a skirt or heels again and I would have one on both legs and probably my hands.  Can I tell you I will never go to that man again or recommend him?

I still have only one spectral leg which I am actively looking to ditch.  I do still wear skirts and therein is the problem.  I used to take the spectral leg off at work and wear reasonable kitten heels or flats.  Somewhere along the line, I began to fear and kept the spectral on all day.  I had some relatively cute black lace oxfords for summer.  I bought a sensible pair of black oxfords in the fall.  Doesn’t that sound awful – sensible black oxfords?  And I bought some wonderful clothes – beautiful sheath dresses, a skirt with panels.  They look great when I am seated or when I am behind something but the full length?  It’s horrid. It makes me feel really old and ugly.

This is bad for my health, seriously.  My image is intrinsically part of who I am and if I am feeling old and ugly, it’s not good.  I don’t want to hear the nonsense about blah, blah well you are lucky you can still walk.  Uh, I get that but there’s more to me.  And I said when this whole thing started I wasn’t going to let it define me and those freaking shoes do.

So, I keep on looking for something that will be less obtrusive.  Mail order hasn’t been working.  Today we went to Lord and Taylor, one of my favorite stores.  Major shoe sale.  My husband says let’s try it, It’s the first time I have tried to try on shoes in public.  The spectral leg just hung out.  I tried to try on three pairs of shoes.  It did not go well.  And then my husband put the appliance back in the sneaker (it’s the weekend) tied my shoe and covered my leg with my pants.  The salesgirl (she was young) just stood there and said “Wow, till death do us part and all”.  I said “Things happen and life keeps on changing.”  It’s one of my mottos.

But this is not the life we thought about.

We have been through a lot together, sometimes me, sometimes him.  Who knew those vows really meant something?  I am amazed and grateful that we are doing the “in sickness and in health”.  They are not just words.  They are our reality.

One of my doctors said she had noticed a spiritual evolution in me.  I don’t see it.  But there are moments like today with my husband on his knees in a department store helping me that I know grace.