I started thinking about Bell bottom blues after I referred to it in a blog about the death of an ex. Song was on my brain so I got the Ipod out at work today and blasted it. Howled in my mind.
I always referenced it for breakups.
I never wanted to fade away and apparently I didn’t. We have run out of days. And I never ever wanted to crawl across the floor to anyone or beg. “I don’t want to lose this feeling” I listened to the words today with a whole different slant. I always thought of it from my perspective. I never thought about it from the ones I left, it was always about me.
And in your heart I want to stay, I guess I did. It’s odd to think of someone loving me like that after all this time. They always stayed in my heart. I may not have loved them but I went out with a guy who said once you had slept with someone more than once they were part of your life, like it or not. By the way, aside from my first husband, he’s the only one who doesn’t speak to me.
“You won’t find a better loser” I have done that well.
My favorite part was always “don’t be surprised if you find me with another lover” . It’s what I always wanted. I felt it was the ultimate f.u. and the horse you came in on. And Joebe found me with a few lovers after. Isn’t it the fantasy? I survived, I am over you and look how well I did. I swapped you out. It’s part of being a better loser.
But Joebe and I have run out of days. And I ran out of them with Bobby and Richard too. I wanted them to see me, see that I had made it to the other side as it were. I guess they did, too. Richard, I saw again. Ran into him and disappeared for a few days together and realized what’s done is done. He tried to call me before he died. I didn’t take the call and chastised a friend who knew us both for giving up my number. When I found out he had died, of cancer, before he was 40, I was glad that I had not taken the call. “No regrets, coyote.” What would we have said? Who was sorry? The outcome would always have been the same, the relationship was dead. But wouldn’t it have been great to run across him with another lover and me with another one and feel all’s right with the world.
Bobby, I never saw again. I used to look for him in the New York streets. He died of AIDS before we were thirty. He was the one when I have been to therapy and they say well who was the one that you coulda wouda married? Well, aside from the fact that he was gay, we had the best time. It was that young in New York kind of thing, hipsters before there were hipsters. Doing all the cool stuff and wearing all the cool stuff. He left me for a guy. I didn’t know it at the time. His family blamed his death on me. I couldn’t, didn’t keep him from himself.
I have always wanted to get to the end of the chapter, see the summer rerun and find out what really happened. I realized when I was 18, life wasn’t really like that. Still I keep on hoping and every once in awhile you get one of those moments of clarity. I am approaching one now. Maybe there’s a reason why we are not supposed to. This is hard. This is not satisfying and full of sunshine.
You did make me cry. There are no more days. It’s time to say goodbye. And it really is, and the irony is on me.