clapton

Thanksgiving and My Soundtrack

Posted on by tresswann

Like I’ve said before, in my family, for holidays, for anything, we danced.  I find myself now barely being able to dance, let alone move.  We have the ipod on with one of my playlists.  I am maudlin.  I think it’s safe to drink wine.  My cheeks are rosy, my body is trying to move and I am thinking and remembering – songs from my playlist

Tainted Love – Soft Cell

I knew about AIDS long before the general public.  It was 1980 and Bobby O’Hara dumped me, again.  For what he told me was another woman.  I was working at the ubiquitous Izod, hating my job and my life.  Gary G. was gay and sat next to me.  He had been dumped too.  He would sit next to me in the afternoons and sing Tainted Love.  Little did I know how apt it was.  Gary told me about AIDS and gave me condoms.  He told me about this disease.  Ah, the cart was before the horse.  Bobby didn’t leave me for a woman but for a man.  Poor closeted boy. Midway through 1985, Bobby had died of AIDS.  I was safe though I didn’t know that for years.  Tainted.  Great way to get rid of unwanted attention and sometimes unfortunately wanted “My boyfriend died of AIDS”

Thunder Road – Bruce Springsteen

This song kept me going at least once. It’s one of my anthems. I grew up in Levittown.  One summer I played it over and over.  “It’s a town full of losers and I am pulling out of here to win”  I always wanted to leave and never did.  I used to see that road stretching out in front of me like a promise.  Well, I guess I finally did leave.

Good Thing – Fine Young Cannibals

Kevin always changes his voice mail to music to reflect what was/is going on in his life.  So things fell apart between us and Good Thing started showing up on his tape. I was his good thing.  Lord, that man could dance. He had this incredible body.  Life is all connected ’cause I took him to a party at Gary’s, didn’t tell him Gary was gay.  The man spent the party in a corner with guys saying “ooh, who brought Nick Nolte?”  Both of us can barely walk.  He would never ever  come for Thanksgiving even when we were together.  I was his good thing and he has always been mine.

We just disagree – Dave Mason

“There’s only you and me and we just disagree”.  My college love.  I used to play this for him.  I believe I bought the Boz Scaggs single, “It’s Over”.  What a mean bitch I was.  We are still friends.

Brown sugar  – Rolling Stones

Terry Toni and I used to dance to this at frat parties, smells of weed, alcohol, hormones  We would jump up like cheerleaders at the end, “yeah, yeah, yeah”  the three of us.   I see Toni on FB and she looks the same.  I am close but changed.  Terry and I can’t dance anymore.  Terry used to shimmy and shimmer.

Trucking – the Dead

When I first heard it, I didn’t know it was the Dead.  It was a band at Hopkins called Ocean Rose.  This song is inextricably connected in my brain with the smell of magnolia and beer. I have always maintained that beer spilled on the earth smells like flowers.  I guess it dates back to that time.  I remember the innocence and along with the scent of flowers, the scent of possibilities.

America  – Simon and Garfunkel

“I am empty and aching and I don’t know why” We all listened to Simon and Garfunkel.  Our junior high school music teacher went to high school with them.  America is different.  We used it as a processional for Social Action Youth at the temple.  A few years ago, I heard it again. The words resonate.  Cars on the New Jersey Turnpike and blasting Bruce Springsteen and the speed limit.

LA Woman – The Doors

I was newly thirty and so in love.  Kevin and I went to LA.  We landed and were driving at sunset.  This was playing on the radio. The air was warm, soft and glowing.   I thought that this was what it was all about.  See previous Kevin comments.  Well, we are still friends but LA left us behind.

I’ve got a rock and roll heart – Eric Clapton

Yes, I am bad.  I was having an affair with a married man.  He fancied that he looked like Sean Connery.  He wanted me more than I wanted him.  I was with Kevin, see above.  Yes, Kevin found out, was hurt and called his boss.  Roger wanted to leave his wife and was promising me the world.  What broke us up?  I believe in this song. I have a rock and roll heart and knew he didn’t.

Diamonds on the soles of her shoes – Paul Simon

Kevin used to tell the dog, well it’s Paul Simon, we must be at Tres’s again.  But this song, this song I associate mainly with someone else.  Kevin and I were not working out after years together.  I was so unhappy.  (See another blog for more on this)  My dad gave me money so I could take  a cab.  I was wearing patent leather flip flops with a rhinestone center.  This song for me is drunk and happy.  He was Irish.  I brought him home for Thanksgiving.  My mother said he was a transient.  He left me.  My father never said anything about the money.

Breakfast in Bed – Chrissy Hynde but originally Jamaican – Lorna Bennett Lorna Bennett

Ah, this is the beginning of my night life.   Kingston, Jamaica 16 years old and this played everywhere. I went to night clubs with my cousins, boy cousins and girl cousins. I danced.  I remember Epiphany, all black light with cocktail waitresses with wings and the scent of my cousin’s English Leather.   Certain lines influence your life, or at least mine.  This song, along with Faces “Stay with Me”  became my mantra – “Breakfast in bed, you don’t have to say you love me”.  Trying to understand why I felt that way at 16 before things in my life even started. “In the morning, don’t say you love me or I’ll only kick you out the door”.  Shape of things to come.  My beginnings

We didn’t get through the whole list.  It is the soundtrack of my life.  I am grateful for the music and for the insights it brings sometimes.  I miss dancing but my legs still move and my heart still sings.

Evaluating, Instincts and Perspective

Posted on by tresswann

It’s been a hard few months for me.  Particularly, the last few weeks.  I very rarely admit it but I have a streak of a workaholic in me.  Years ago, one of my friends told me I was the same as her except I did the extra work at home in the bathtub and in my bunny slippers.  My assistant used to go “Grrr, I see you wrote this in the bath again.”  That situation ended badly.  I was in that job for nearly 9 years.  I increased their business.  I literally made myself physically ill and as I have mentioned the roots of my present condition lie there.  I went to Asia on business when I could barely talk or breathe.  Forget experiencing Asian cuisine in Asia; every place I went they poured soup and tea down my throat.  Here’s what I did:  I left Taiwan at 11 o’clock in the morning, landed in LA 11 a.m. the same morning and worked till 11 p.m.  The men always stopped in Hawaii with their wives.  I  flew home to NY and collapsed in JC Penney.  Several years later I was let go from that company.  It was awful.  I had invested too much of myself.  I was left without myself.  I was severely depressed.  I got married.  Yes, I know.  And that made everything so much worse.  I was unemployed or under employed for 10 years and then I got this job.  Financially, I was back.  The first four years as an employee were great.  I left it at the office.  I worked late once or twice.  There was a downsizing and I was let go.  I said “Thank you.  Summer on the beach with shells in my hair.”  My condition manifested itself for the first time that summer and we put it down to stress and lack of activity.  Working, I walked miles a day, literally.

Cut to the present:  My life has been out of control and out of balance.  I went back as a part time consultant.  It was never really part time.  I joke the reason I was approved for my mortgage working part time was a major project went live the month they looked at my financials and I was doing over 40 hours a week.  Well, once I went back full time I started at around 37.5 a week.  I told my manager when I started back that  I knew hw he was and it would be more.  He swore to me I could be out the door by 4:30.  Well, that lasted a few weeks when I was told they needed more time.  Our agreement was that I could do it at home.  For years, I have done nights and weekends. 2007 – 2008 averaging 50 hours a week.  Note the word average.  Once this condition began to impact me I worked more and more from the house.   I work in an IT department so it’s relatively technologically advanced.  I laugh as every other Friday from home I am in a meeting with New York, New Jersey, London and Ireland.  This year even though I worked from the house I have been averaging closer to 45 hours a week with a lot of weeks 50 – 60.  Yes,   I do bill by the hour.

Recently, the two people I have always worked with except for a hellish 6 months were reorganized out of my area.  First hint – no one knew what to do with me and I heard unofficially I was going back to Hell.

In the interim, the group head starting signing my time sheets August 1.  I worked 48 hours one week to deliver a major project.  She said it was over time.  I said you owe me a lot of money then.  Upshot, not allowed to do more than 40.  Okay, I can live with that.

I work remotely on Friday and have done so for a few years or very, very short Fridays in the office.  It  is too dangerous for me to commute with the weekenders and I do have fatigue.  I have a doctor’s note.  I usually work longer on a Friday as I don’t have to commute.  The doctor wrote me a letter not to work when it’s 85.  This hurts as remember, summer on the beach with shells in my hair.  She apparently is not honoring this.  This means unless  I come in and jeopardize myself I lose a week’s pay a month.

A friend texts me Thursday night that the company has posted a job opening for Learning and Development.  I look it has been written to exclude me – must be able to sit or stand for long periods.

So, I  find myself in the same position I was over 20 years ago.  I did it again.  I put my heart and soul into this.  I cared. I did their work at the expense of my life.  They would call it scope creep at my job.   I can’t believe I bought into it.

I used to work in the garment industry and was laid off all the time.  I just had a sixth sense as to when it was going to happen plus someone would tip me off, too.  The only time that didn’t happen was when I was let go from my short interim position while I was doing little part time for the bank.  For the last three years,  I haven’t been feeling right there.  I have very positive moments and very positive reviews.  However,  this morning I said to myself “Face the facts.  You are going and sooner rather than later.”  I already had started taking things home.  However, when my credentials/capabilities were questioned. I brought in framed copies of my certificates.

I find myself feeling sad, nervous and betrayed.  I have to hold onto the belief that someone will hire me on suitable terms even though I am technically old, limp and use a cane.

I am resilient.  I always try and see the upside.  So being home for four days has been a blessing.  I am getting to catch up on my life.  I spoke to three friends on the phone yesterday, a luxury.  One was one of my exes (yes me and the eternal exes) and he had been with me for part of the first time.

I am approaching a milestone and am frighteningly aware of my mortality.  But this is an opportunity for new horizons and new possibilities as I approach this.

Bell Bottom Blues

Posted on by tresswann

I started thinking about Bell bottom blues after I referred to it in a blog about the death of an ex.  Song was on my brain so I got the Ipod out at work today and blasted it.  Howled in my mind.

I always referenced it for breakups.

I never wanted to fade away and apparently I didn’t. We have run out of days.  And I never ever wanted to crawl across the floor to anyone or beg. “I don’t want to lose this feeling”  I listened to the words today with a whole different slant.  I always thought of it from my perspective.  I never thought about it from the ones I left, it was always about me.

And in your heart I want to stay, I guess I did. It’s odd to think of someone loving me like that after all this time.  They always stayed in my heart.  I may not have loved them but I went out with a guy who said once you had slept with someone more than once they were part of your life, like it or not.  By the way, aside from my first husband, he’s the only one who doesn’t speak to me.

“You won’t find a better loser”  I have done that well.

My favorite part was always “don’t be surprised if you find me with another lover” .  It’s what I always wanted. I felt it was the ultimate f.u. and the horse you came in on. And Joebe found me with a few lovers after. Isn’t it the fantasy?  I survived,  I am over you and look how well I did.  I swapped you out.  It’s part of being a better loser.

But Joebe and I have run out of days.  And I ran out of them with Bobby and Richard too.  I wanted them to see me, see that I had made it to the other side as it were.  I guess they did, too.  Richard, I saw again.  Ran into him and disappeared for a few days together and realized what’s done is done.  He tried to call me before he died.  I didn’t take the call and chastised a friend who knew us both for giving up my number.  When I found out he had died, of cancer, before he was 40, I was glad that I had not taken the call.  “No regrets, coyote.”  What would we have said?  Who was sorry?  The outcome would always have been the same, the relationship was dead.  But wouldn’t it have been great to run across him with another lover and me with another one and feel all’s right with the world.

Bobby, I never saw again.  I used to look for him in the New York streets.  He died of AIDS before we were thirty.  He was the one when I have been to therapy and they say well who was the one that you coulda wouda married?  Well, aside from the fact that he was gay, we had the best time.  It was that young in New York kind of thing, hipsters before there were hipsters.  Doing all the cool stuff and wearing all the cool stuff.  He left me for a guy.  I didn’t know it  at the time.  His family blamed his death on me.  I couldn’t, didn’t keep him from himself.

I have always wanted to get to the end of the chapter, see the summer rerun and find out what really happened.  I realized when I was 18, life wasn’t really like that.  Still I keep on hoping and every once in awhile you get one of those moments of clarity.  I am approaching one now.  Maybe there’s a reason why we are not supposed to.  This is hard.  This is not satisfying and full of sunshine.

You did make me cry.  There are no more days.  It’s time to say goodbye.  And it really is, and the irony is on me.