Another morning with things starting out badly. The train came in on a different track. I sit so I get right on an escalator. Different track. There is an elevator though, so I gimped over and there was a crowd including a young healthy woman with suitcases. The other people were larger than me, most with canes. I do travel with most of them on a regular basis. There was no way I thought I could get on. And then this woman that also takes the bus with me called out “C’mon, get on. You are tiny.” I never think of myself as tiny! And I did fit in.
Back to tiny. The only time I was called tiny was when I saw my college roommate after 35 years. She gasped “You’re so tiny” Now, mind you I was always considered the big one, with my roomies, my best friends. But we used to swap dresses so I had to be the same size.
Here’s a picture of me about 11 years ago with my two best friends.
We had been friends for decades. One I had grown up with. Who is the smallest person in the picture? Me. I am the shortest and smallest. Can I tell you they always said I was the large one? And I listened! In fact, on that trip I bought a gorgeous pink suit which they told me I was too fat for. My dad, who always teased me, used to call me Mrs. Hwiggins, when I wore something too tight. I tried it on for him and he said I was gorgeous. I wear it still and always get compliments. Oh and for various reasons, we are no longer friends.
When I met my husband, for the first time, I saw myself as small. I tease him that he is 67″. Me, I am 5′ 5″. I am the biggest woman he has been with and he is the shortest man I have been with. You had to be at least 6′ to get to first base with me. My ex-husband used to tell me he liked “Batik” women (his word) for petite and I wasn’t. Well, I did say ex.
What does this say about me? Clearly, how I see myself is different than other see me. My view might be distorted. Low self-esteem. Why did I listen to everyone else for so long? What am I holding on to and believing about me? I need to think. So how am I perceived with the gimp? Some people speak very loudly to me. Overall, people are very kind. Things to ponder