Another Blow

I have had a relatively crappy week.  I didn’t get the job.  That’s alright.  I know things happen for a reason.  I have not gotten many jobs over the years that I wanted and was qualified for and it’s all worked out.  There was one in California where they wanted someone who understood multiculturism.  I am multi- cultural.  The owner’s wife died 4 weeks later and the business closed.  Same with a handbag manufacturer – son died within the year, business closed.  JC Penney moved to Texas.  Two of my most sobering ones, early on I didn’t get a job at Cantor Fitzgerald and in 2000 I didn’t get another job at the WTC.  Recruiters called me for months with that perfect opportunity.  I always get to work early. I would not have made it.  So, I do know.  This job though represented a chance to have a different kind of life.  No  more 4:15 a.m. out the door before 5:30 a.m. Dental insurance!  I have just found out I need several thousand dollars worth of dental work.   A whole change in lifestyle.  I could taste it. Plus,  lately I haven’t been treated well on the job.  Who hasn’t had resignation fantasies?  I wanted my company to regret losing me and understand the full scope of what I do.

On the up side, I feel empowered to keep on looking.  I now have a clearer idea of what I want and need.

Fridays I work from home because of my condition.  Every other Friday I attend a team meeting.  I am not really part of the team but the org chart put me there.  It’s a team of developers.  I work in IT but am not technical.  I bill by the hour so on Fridays, it’s easy money for half an hour to an hour.  Most of the time I do not understand what they are saying.  It’s a foreign language and I have a facility for languages.  What is kinda cool is the team is in NY, NJ, London and Ireland.  I video/conference in from LI and one of the team comes in through PA.  Oh yes. I view the video but block them viewing me most of the time.  When I am in the office,  I tend to turn it off too.  One manager recently asked me, “How come I always see your coffee mug but not you?”  I digress.  This team is primarily male.  There is 1 woman sometimes in NY.  She’s a recent add on.  There are one or two in Ireland.  Think of this as the sniggering little boys club.  They are always talking behind people’s backs and saying snide things.  I get a notice Friday morning  that the meeting has been pushed back 15 minutes.  I enter a minute early and it is very much in progress.  Oh,  you joined.  We made an announcement,  R (my manager and for years my champion, but not lately) is going over to the other side of the business.  We don’t know who you will be reporting to.  The developers will be moving to another building but we don’t think you will be going with them”. I feel like all the wind has been knocked out of me.   I have worked with this woman for 15 years!  She could have told me herself but that would have been human!  I have a friend there who always says “Ah you work with the F’ing computer people”.  I have recently been told not only by this manager but by my other former manager that the head of the department has badmouthed me and doesn’t understand why she should be paying me.   My feeling is that I am about to be let go.  My agent says my contract is meaningless.  They have broken them before with him.  I do reach out to her in the afternoon and she tells me no decision has been made about where I am going; she is open to suggestions.    She has wanted to put me in HR for almost a year.  I have bad, bad history with HR.  They have made changes but for those of you who know me…. I work in organized chaos.  The new HR is OCD, seriously.  And although I have worked corporately forever, they are much too corporate and clique-y for me.

I need to keep my stress levels down.  Stress goes directly into my legs.  This is not helping.  I had started yoga every night but am not sure how much it will help.  Of course, I am going to fight but fighting takes enormous energy.  Yes, of course I have a case.  I have been a consultant there for 11 years after they eliminated my job of 4 years and brought me back to do the same thing without benefits!  I am a woman, over 40, interracial and disabled.  I just want to continue to do what I do.  I enjoy it most of the time. Yes,   I do want to make changes.  I have always had a deep faith in the Universe so I have to look at this in the light that the Universe is reaching out to me.

I am medicating, by that I mean I went out and bought a seriously pretty dress and will pretend that I am not wearing ugly shoes.  I have chocolate, bubble bath and novels.   My husband is prepping the grounds and we have been to three nurseries and bought tons of flowers.  It will be soothing.

I know it’s life but I am so tired of struggling and fighting.

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