Disclaimer: Life isn’t always about the disease or the condition. When this journey started, I said I would not be confined or defined. Well, I started to let that happen. I am fighting my way out of it. I really dislike fighting. I don’t like conflict.
Fact about me: I am an avid, voracious and catholic reader. However, I don’t really do the supernatural or horror. Mysteries? Yes. Literature – smiles.
Disclosure: My area of concentration at college was the synchretization of African religious beliefs in the colonial world. I know, I know what was I thinking. It is seriously interesting to me . And that means I studied obeah, santeria, macumba, voudon. But so not into zombies and if you really look at voodoo that’s not what it’s really about.
About conflict: Work has been in turmoil for awhile. I discovered earlier this year that my group head does not believe I am qualified to be a trainer! It’s my job and I have been doing it with this organization for 15 years 11 years ago this month the training department in North America was disbanded as it was considered an expense not an investment and I was let go. I was hired as a corporate training manager for a major US retail chain. 6 months later, I was asked back to finish some work. So I did both jobs. When the retailer went into bankruptcy, they were thrilled and I started working more hours, lots and lots. Even now I average over 40 (billable) hours a week, have trained literally hundreds of people and created numerous successful programs. So d’uh? When I came back simplistically because of the expense thing they couldn’t call me training. There are also corporate cultural and political issues so I do not identify there as a trainer because I seriously love what I do and yes, it pays well. Also, I work in I.T. And am not technical. I am the translator. For those of you of a certain age, I am the Mikey likes it of the department – if I understand and can do it, anyone can! She says I told her I wasn’t a trainer. Uh, I made a comment on 2nd day she was here! In fact, one year they called me BUST – business user services/ testing! My immediate manager and my former manager are moving to the other side of the business. I was told that they didn’t know who my supervisor was going to be or where I would be located. Unsettling. And you know stress goes right to my legs and it’s not good.
Ok stage has been set.
Sunday night I dreamt that this woman (group head) was a zombie! She was on the ground disabled. I was there and someone had given me a HUGE cartoon-like Chinese cleaver. In my real life I have problems literally killing flies. So, I am holding this cleaver and there are people standing around me telling me I need to cut her head off. It’s easy, the cleaver is big enough, it will be a clean cut. I hesitate but they tell me I need to and can. I visualize a dressed chicken. At the last minute I smash her face. There’s blood all over her face, rivers of it. Then she starts to get up and I wake up screaming.
In the real world, I don’t talk to her or interact with her. And I don’t do blood.
Cut to next day, I go in and get a note from my former manager, there is a training job open. Oh, I am not an employee. I am freaking and bouncing off the walls. Tell husband to be ready and get me. I literally stumble in.
For now, all is good. It may even work out. And I am walking really well. I have had some great meetings and interactions. It will be alright. I am beginning to feel like me, the old confident, creative me!
But what did that dream mean? Why did I have it then?