Drinking the Kool Aid

My old manager always said when someone bought into something that they had drunk the Kool-Aid.  It wasn’t necessarily a good thing.  It was definitely an illusion to Jonestown and he didn’t mean it positively.

Oh, and he never said that about me.

I am not a Kool Aid drinker.  When I was little and everyone had birthday parties with Kool Aid, I didn’t drink it.  I am told it made me sick.  My mother, who was very advanced for her time, didn’t believe in it.  No sugary drinks for us.  I didn’t drink soda till junior high.  I digress.  This is about Kool Aid.  Well, not really. It’s about buying into something whole heartedly.  I don’t think I ever do.

I have written about my mother and her force and determination.  Well, my Dad was a non-Kool Aid drinker.  He was always skeptical about everything.  He always took a step back.  It was something we argued about.

However,  I never ran with the pack or the clique.  My mother used to say that I conformed to non-conformity. I probably still do.  I pick and I choose.

That’s what I am doing with this food thing.  Picking and choosing.  After all, I am the editor’s daughter.  In addition to writing, he was an editor. I know I edit.

And I don’t commit.  It’s my failing.  I have had more than one manager at work who has said if I ever committed I would be frightening.  And as to relationships…….  My sister friends I commit to with a fierce loyalty.  For them I would drink the Kool Aid and I do drink the Kool Aid of friendship.  Men were another story.

So, where does this leave me?  Do I drink the Kool Aid of this way of eating?  Can I drink it?  Maybe Kool Aid isn’t right for me?

I read all these people that are drinking it and getting personally filtered water and questioning everything they eat.  Have you ever been out to eat with one of those people who question the wait staff?  And then basically want it cooked without anything?    Like why bother to go out to eat?  I think that makes it uncomfortable for everyone. But the people who succeed appear to be fanatic.  I was raised in a household where fanaticism was antithetical to our being.  Also, funny enough, I am a Libra.  Whilst I may not buy into the whole astrology thing (there goes the Kool Aid again) I need balance.  To be that extreme, puts me out of balance.

What I do need to do is finally, ultimately commit to me.  If I make that leap then I can eat the way that will help me. I can rise.


Warrior Questions

Even though I am not a Wahl’s warrior, I think her questionnaire is a good way to start the year so here goes:

How do I feel today – Well, I have the usual New Year’s blues. I am always fearful of the New Year. I know what I had. I survived it. I am still literally standing today. I don’t know what the New Year will bring, the vast uncharted territory. We saw Life of Pi this past week and it’s sort of how I feel. I am embarking on a journey without a map with something that wants to destroy me. I should have the power and the tools to tame it. Can I? As to the physical, I tried some basic lift your leg exercises and my left which is supposed to be the good one, is for crap. I feel slightly determined and slightly overwhelmed today.

What did you do for yourself today? I finished reading a trashy novel with breakfast which felt great and here I am writing which has always worked for me. And I am going to finish listening to Serial

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Day isn’t over but I started positively with homemade granola and a cranberry smoothie.

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – Exercise, see above and I hope to get back to my abs.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life? Grateful as usual to be warm safe and dry. I have a job. I have possibilities. I have people who love and care for me.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement – Ha, higher purpose is for childish dreams. Driving force – pay my bills and continue to walk. Mission statement -beyond me at this point. Something about sharing my journey. It’s self serving

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Well, they haven’t really treated me now, have they? I have the spectral leg aka the brace. I was going to physical therapy. I did acupuncture for two years.

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk

What symptoms are most troublesome – Duh, gradually losing my ability to walk and being dependent.

Do I blame myself for things – Sure, being stupidly cheap and not getting the hole in my mouth fixed. I think a virus amok kickstarted this. Not searching hard enough or asking the right questions. Not being aggressive enough.

How is stress level? Not as bad as it’s been. Financially, things are frightening! It’s on me. I don’t want to keep on getting up at 4 something. It’s not healthy for me on all kinds of levels and I can’t see my way out. Time challenges. And then all that walking in public areas that I struggle with

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Well, eat properly, exercise and breathe. Make a plan.

I will do this questionnaire at the beginning of the month. And let’s be real, on the weekend.

Fat – A Plan of Attack

So,  I am a tad depressed.  I have been evaluating the different ways of eating.  I am making my plans.  However,  I haven’t been doing well.  More things seem not to be working well.  Change in plans.  First of all I know all or never doesn’t work.  So,  I thought I’ll just do it month to month.  A month is doable or we can break it down further and do a week at a time.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to start during the holidays though I have tried to mitigate the risk and lapses.  I have been reasonable.  But I thought all things considered I needed to try Swank for a month.  Sugar will be hard but I get it.  No eggs, no legumes – this is harder.  And then I was looking at the fats again.  This and sugar has to be key.  What am I going to do about avocado?  I have been enjoying avocado smoothie.  And it looks like there’s a great pudding ….  So maybe I’ll have to swap?

Looking at a modified paleo.  First,  a go at Swank.

Something has to give.  I have read too many accounts of food making the difference.  I have to do this.