July Warrior Check In

Back for July and late again.  Life has been a little intense lately.

How do I feel today –   Better than I have for the past few days, see previous blog.  I know I will never go back to the way we used to live.  Today is a holiday and the weather is uneven.  This works out as my plan for this weekend is/was to paint the office and catch up on my life.  I blog sometimes on another site and haven’t done so for ages. I am starting a new business and need to get cracking.  I really need to clear the decks.  It was great not getting up early today and not going anywhere.

What did you do for yourself today?     I slept, I am cooking, blogging and cleaning.  It feels peaceful.  I like spending time in my head.  I think I will read trashy novels.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Still cheating with the good stuff.

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – Thinking about getting on the Wii and playing games, particularly balance ones.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life?   Grateful for friends. Grateful husband is back on track. Grateful that I can afford to take the time off and for the little things in life that are huge.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –   sounds too affected for me.  Working on the Mission statement, something along the lines of do no evil and never ever give up

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Ampyra since April. I have walked more than I have in years.  The Ampyra continues to work.  I am walking more with less fatigue.  I even handled Grand Central and Penn pre-holiday!

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk.  Think it’s time to add last time -uh this week cramping and off balance

What symptoms are most troublesome – wearing ugly shoes and not being able to really walk.  Problem with the new spectral leg is my foot is too weak to get into the shoe

Do I blame myself for things –  Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. Still!  I let go of me and who I am and could be.

How is stress level? Stress is still there but I have taken time off and am trying to keep things in perspective

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Go to the gym!  Continue to do what makes me happy on my day off.

Until next month.

June Warrior Check In

Back for June, a little late.

How do I feel today – Today was horrid.  It started out at 4:30 a.m. with a rejection for a job I had interviewed for.  It would have meant getting up later,  more balance and paid medical insurance.  Plus, the area would let my husband work in the same area.  I missed my bus by very little so was late for work.  I had to do a taping at work and enlisted the guy that used to sit behind me.  He’s great to sit with.  Putting it in mild polite terms, he is, at best, a pompous ass to work with.  So,  I have been working on this project for over a year.  One for which he is supposed to act as my admin and enter all the details in the project tool.  I have been told he is claiming credit for it.  I have literally taped this around 20 times.  Couldn’t get the PC to share today for some reason.  He figured it out and gave a great reading.  Then he tells me the script needs to be “wordsmithed”  (I HATE, HATE lingo) and we need professional, real writer.  Grrrr!  Uh, I am one?  It’s the issue I have been facing.  I am currently out of favor, the grass looks greener to them.  After all of that, the tape is lost somewhere on the server.  I had to bring in the laptop (theirs) to do this and it needed security patches installed which took forever and went in a loop.  My phone charger broke.  I thought it had broken in the phone.  My back is hurting me.  It never hurts.  Even with husband helping me I barely made it onto the train.  Some guy dropped his suitcase on my arm.

On the upside, this has all strengthened my resolve.  I will and can get stronger.  I will and can get another job.  It is possible.  I did 12,000 or so steps today.

What did you do for yourself today?

Well, I went to lunch with a friend.  It was peaceful.  I am following through on a promise I made to myself at the beginning of the year to have lunch out of the office.  I ate appropriately, too.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – I ate nicely but…. My husband bought me a dish of gelato (verboten) as I type this.  My choice is that if I am going to cheat it will be with good stuff

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – The steps are moving up.  I am also planning on continuing daily abs work and I have started a yoga challenge and despite back, did not wimp out and did it.  It makes me feel better but also I realize how out of shape I have become.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life?   Grateful for friends.  My friends were around me today like a swarm.  My husband has been supportive.  What matters most?  Family and friends still hold first place.  The chance and strength to move forward.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement – Higher purpose still not defined.  Beginning to dream again.  Still working on it.  To never give up, give in and be the best I can be.

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Ampyra since April. I have walked more than I have in years.

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk

What symptoms are most troublesome – being off balance and not walking well, wearing ugly shoes and consequently ugly clothes.  I have a new spectral leg a.k.a. brace but still my shoes don’t fit.

Do I blame myself for things –  Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. Still!  And I think always.  It’s funny how we don’t take things seriously

How is stress level? It’s high.  Way, way high

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Continue to try and be strong, stronger.  Go to the gym!  Smile!  Eat consciously and well.

Until next month.

May Warrior Check In

Back for MAY :

How do I feel today – Nice day.  Attended a tea.  I actually did a table.  I was all tizzed about it but think it went well.  However, mixed feelings.  This is my fourth one.  I walked in first time four years ago  in a dress, today with a cane and pants.  But I am walking better than I have due to the drug.

What did you do for yourself today?

See above.  I went to a tea, very girly.  My husband was wonderful and helped set up and breakdown.  There’s a jewelry boutique so I got to shop!  And then went to Odd Job afterwards for this and that.  I didn’t work.  It’s a real break.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – BAD.  It was tea!  I did do a smoothy before I went but scones, salmon tea sandwiches, chocolate.  Then Chinese food.  I have been seriously sliding and need to recommit to proper eating.  I need to max the opportunity the Ampyra has given me.

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – Still not going to the gym or Zumba. But I am walking more.  I will get to gym.  This was the least I have walked all week.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life?   Grateful for friends and the possibilities of new ones.  Grateful for the people I am meeting through the blog.  Ampyra.  New possibilities.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement – Higher purpose still not defined.  Beginning to dream again.  Uh, maybe some sort of sharing

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Ampyra,  two weeks.  And it is working.  I was able to walk longer and stronger.

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk

What symptoms are most troublesome – being off balance and not walking well, wearing ugly shoes and consequently ugly clothes

Do I blame myself for things –  Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. Still!  And I think always.  It’s funny how we don’t take things seriously

How is stress level? It’s high.  Trying to tone it down.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Start over.  It’s a new month. Have a different day.  And yes, I am thinking about things other than disease and death. I am thinking about art and new jobs and possibilities, flowers and spring.

Until next month.

April Warrior Check In

Back for April:

How do I feel today – Perkier today than in a couple of weeks.  I have had a lot of stress, frustration and pressure around my work.  I think my husband is slipping.  He definitely did and now I have no trust.  And although today was the first day all week, I could walk freely,  I took a bad fall in the subway.  My husband was with me and he couldn’t stop it. People always bad mouth New Yorkers but a man helped my husband pick me up off the platform and people held the elevator for me and this was rush hour!  I walked more today than all week combined.  I thought I really hurt myself.  We will see.

What did you do for yourself today?

Well, I blogged,  had lunch with some friends.  I am not working tomorrow, resting, reading and doing fun things.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Mixed, though mostly good.  Granola (homemade) for breakfast and snack,  orange,  uh two Lindt chocs,  sushi for dinner and half a slice of my husband’s pizza.  I feel it, gave me a headache

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – Still not going to the gym or Zumba.  Due to more falls back to square one with abs.  Have been on treadmill and Wii.  Need to find the original DVD because of the balance issues.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life?   Grateful that I didn’t seriously hurt myself in my fall.  Grateful for the kindness of strangers.  Friends and family, health are what matters most.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement – Higher purpose still not defined.  Beginning to dream again.  Too heavy for me.

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Not this month but I have appointment with doctor on Tuesday and am going to try for the Ampyra.  And yes,  I am going to do my best to eat right this month

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk

What symptoms are most troublesome – Getting really slow and bad at walking and not being able to get on and off the train.

Do I blame myself for things –  Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this.

How is stress level? It’s high.  Now I am really frightened about how things are going down.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Start over.  It’s a new month. Rest and do art.  Eat right

Until next month.

March Warrior Check In

Back for March:

How do I feel today – Mixed blues.  Despite the fall and my face, we ran around a lot today.  First thing, we went to Trader Joe’s and Omaha Steaks.  No, no meat for me.  Husband’s youngest just got his first apartment and we filled their freezer.  Then on to the Chocolate Duck, again not for me, getting a class for a niece and Easter Egg supplies for the kids.  Then on to sister in laws to drop off things and pick up Girl Scout cookies.  Not for me.  I don’t eat them, ever.  Visit kids with food, flowers and pyrex for housewarming.   I gimped through everything very frustrating and depressing but I still get going.

What did you do for yourself today?

Well, I blogged and then I am going to make a wrapped bracelet.  And it was fun shopping.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Sigh.  Not good.  I started the morning with coffee and a piece of Christmas pudding.  Toffee crunch after trader Joe’s.  A streusel apple spelt muffin.  Quinoa chips.  Dare I say, steamed pork buns for dinner?  But I have been really good all week, smoothies and salads

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – Still not going to the gym or Zumba.  Still housebound, still doing the stepper and recently added treadmill.  I am working my physical therapy back in.  Hurt in falls so I am back to square one with Abs.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life? Grateful as usual to be warm safe and dry.  Grateful that I didn’t seriously hurt myself in my fall.  Grateful for the kindness of strangers.  And my job.  And my stepsons are awesome.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement – Higher purpose still not defined.  Beginning to dream again

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Not this month but I think I need to go to the doctore.

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk

What symptoms are most troublesome – Duh, gradually losing my ability to walk and being dependent.  And the falling.

Do I blame myself for things –  Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this.

How is stress level? It’s high.  Now I am really frightened about how things are going down.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Start over.  It’s a new month.  I still have new days.

Until next month.

February Warrior Check In

Back for February:

How do I feel today – Still in the winter blues.  I have been doing a lot of work.  It’s  a mixed feeling.  I enjoy what I do but I am working flat out.  This is my 13th straight day.  I don’t think I am getting the validation  I want.  Is that important enough?  And I watched the last episode of Parenthood and wailed.  All the possibilities that life could have.  Could have, would have, should have.  There’s just the now.  And it is finite.  That milestone looms and is dragging me down.

What did you do for yourself today?   Not much.  I worked which in a twisted way is for me.  I need to get away from that because seriously, in the past giving my all to someone else has never worked for me.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Well it was mixed and I really didn’t do well.  I started off with an apple streusel (non gluten muffin)  I had some nuts.  I made a pina colada smoothie.  It tasted like a pina colada and I can’t stand pina coladas!  But for dinner I had steak with my husband.  I don’t like steak particularly and it’s so not on Swank.  I made some great mango sorbet.

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – Well, this hasn’t been a banner week or month.  I have literally been housebound and working 10 hours a day.  Today I did the stepper for 45 minutes.  Not enough.  I have been spotty on the abs and I have not been to the gym or Zumba.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life? Grateful as usual to be warm safe and dry.  I have a job.  I have possibilities.  I have people who love and care for me.  Same as last month.  This month I am thinking of my husband and how he stands by me.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement – Ha,  higher purpose is for childish dreams.  Still thinking about a mission. Driving force in my life is to be remembered, to live after I die through love?

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Not this month but I read about glutathione and I am thinking about it.

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk

What symptoms are most troublesome – Duh, gradually losing my ability to walk and being dependent.

Do I blame myself for things –  Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this.

How is stress level? It’s high.  Lot of pressure on the job.  Finance has eased a bit with the ridiculous hours.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Start over.  It’s a new month.  I still have new days.

Until next month.

Drinking the Kool Aid

My old manager always said when someone bought into something that they had drunk the Kool-Aid.  It wasn’t necessarily a good thing.  It was definitely an illusion to Jonestown and he didn’t mean it positively.

Oh, and he never said that about me.

I am not a Kool Aid drinker.  When I was little and everyone had birthday parties with Kool Aid, I didn’t drink it.  I am told it made me sick.  My mother, who was very advanced for her time, didn’t believe in it.  No sugary drinks for us.  I didn’t drink soda till junior high.  I digress.  This is about Kool Aid.  Well, not really. It’s about buying into something whole heartedly.  I don’t think I ever do.

I have written about my mother and her force and determination.  Well, my Dad was a non-Kool Aid drinker.  He was always skeptical about everything.  He always took a step back.  It was something we argued about.

However,  I never ran with the pack or the clique.  My mother used to say that I conformed to non-conformity. I probably still do.  I pick and I choose.

That’s what I am doing with this food thing.  Picking and choosing.  After all, I am the editor’s daughter.  In addition to writing, he was an editor. I know I edit.

And I don’t commit.  It’s my failing.  I have had more than one manager at work who has said if I ever committed I would be frightening.  And as to relationships…….  My sister friends I commit to with a fierce loyalty.  For them I would drink the Kool Aid and I do drink the Kool Aid of friendship.  Men were another story.

So, where does this leave me?  Do I drink the Kool Aid of this way of eating?  Can I drink it?  Maybe Kool Aid isn’t right for me?

I read all these people that are drinking it and getting personally filtered water and questioning everything they eat.  Have you ever been out to eat with one of those people who question the wait staff?  And then basically want it cooked without anything?    Like why bother to go out to eat?  I think that makes it uncomfortable for everyone. But the people who succeed appear to be fanatic.  I was raised in a household where fanaticism was antithetical to our being.  Also, funny enough, I am a Libra.  Whilst I may not buy into the whole astrology thing (there goes the Kool Aid again) I need balance.  To be that extreme, puts me out of balance.

What I do need to do is finally, ultimately commit to me.  If I make that leap then I can eat the way that will help me. I can rise.

.

What would Reima Do?

REIMA 1940'S - 50'S

Reima was my mother. I am literally her pale shadow. One of the things I am deeply grateful for is that my mother passed away before she could see me like this. Two of my mother’s best friends at different times had MS and they both died. In fact, one of my earliest memories is walking with my mother and her friend and a stroller. I don’t think it was for me and there were two little brothers. I am not sure which one it might have been for. I was very, very little. Her friend had an attack and Reima had her walk with the stroller. Looking back on it, it must have been terrifying for all of them. They were young, alone with anywhere from 2 -4 little kids. She got worse and died before I was 10. We moved and there was a friend on our block. She became wheelchair bound quickly. She, too, died from this. So, when they told me that this wouldn’t kill me, I wasn’t buying any part of it.

More about Reima – she had a very high tolerance for pain. She thought childbirth was vastly overrated. She used to get her teeth drilled without anything. She maintained the same weight for just about her whole life – 7 pounds more than before she became pregnant with me. She made sure that she weighed the same every year when she went to the doctor. When she decided to quit smoking, she just stopped and yes, she didn’t gain an ounce! When she made up her mind to do something, she just did it. She came to this country essentially by herself because she wanted to.

So if my mother Reima was confronted with this and knew that it could be addressed with not having certain foods, it would have been done immediately, no question, no hesitation. And then there’s me. I want to, I need to and I am not. Well, I gave up gluten. I no longer have yogurt. Practically no eggs. Almost no red meat, never really been my thing. But no beans, no soy, no apples, no bananas (depending on who you read) no eggplant, tomato, maybe corn, no shellfish.   I like fish and chicken. I like grilled things. Reima didn’t believe in deep frying. She was way in advance of her time in terms of food.

So, I need to think what would Reima do and do it.

Working and 9 Cups

I am taking elements from all the different ways of eating I have been exploring: Wahls, Swank, Clean Cuisine, MS Diet. I am trying to take the best of everything and maybe create something will work for me and on me. Well, I really like the concepts of 9 cups of fruits and vegetables a day. However, another thing I have noticed (and I am truly grateful this does not apply to me) is that these people were so disabled they could not work.   I work. I wake around 4 a.m. every morning, commute close to two hours each way and though I tend to demur, some people say I have a pretty high powered job. So, back to the 9 cups. Yesterday, Sunday, I set up some smoothies in advance. Smoothies are a great way to get in vegetables, fruits and nutrients. There is one I adore from Sparkpeople that sets me up for four cups – two cups of kale, one cup of blueberries and a banana. As I mentioned earlier, I wake around 4 a.m. I am a morning person. Most mornings I wake with a smile, literally. I am one of those people, people hate in the morning. I will beam and tell you we are going to have a great day. I can do this without coffee. I prefer coffee. However, cheerful and all does not do blender in the morning, even weekend later mornings. So, I thought I’d set myself up for success this week by making a few yesterday. It took nearly an hour! Oh, and by the way, I am a good cook so I know how to do my mise en place etc. Back to 9 so I am going to work, no private office, lots of meeting, interaction and commuting. There are logistics involved here.

I do have issues so there is literally only so much I can physically take into work with me. There is that long commute, most of it on public transport. Therefore, I am not using the public facilities. I have to time this!

Next is prep. Uh, my energy is kinda limited. My husband helps but.. And then actually eating all this. And it’s not the only thing I need to eat.

So how do you eat this healthily and correctly and hold down a job without lots of help? I know I have to focus on my health but work too and uh, yea, that exercise thing and getting enough sleep?   Just sayin’