Ampyra, Being a Libra and what else can happen

Posted on May 16, 2015 by tresswann

Yes, it’s been a long time and so much has happened. And I am out of balance.

This is going to be long as I have lots of catching up to do.

I have had good luck with the Ampyra, no side effects. I am able to stagger longer. I actually am able to walk longer than previously without staggering. I may have plateaued but am not sure. I do seem to be picking up speed. This is relative. I used to walk a 17 minute mile easily. I have walked more than I have in over a year.

Now that I have this drug/tool I need to work on the surrounding bits like diet and exercise to maximize the impact of the drug.

Which brings me to the being Libra/out of balance bit. As I am regaining some mobility I have been reflecting. I have wanted to write for ages! But…. As my walking has minimally improved, I am realizing how narrow and unbalanced my world has become. I know part of it is due to the mobility issue and the rest I am not sure. I wake a little after 4 a.m. Monday through Thursday. I am out the door usually by 5:25 a.m., in the city before 7 a.m.; at my desk by 7:30 a.m. I leave at 3:18 p.m. I have shortened my hours. I am trying not to cut off my nose to spite my face. Most days I work straight through. I then struggle to make the 4:12 p.m. When I was well, if I left that time and walked, I would have been on the 3:46. Since the Ampyra, it’s been a bit better but some days I can barely get myself onto the train. I get in the door around 5:45. I check my work email since I am conscientious. I have mostly checked my email, F B and blogs on train. My husband has the news on. I make a smoothy and/or salad, pack my lunch for the following day, oh yeah maybe fill Tom in on how my day was. By this time, it’s nearly 8, time to take a bath and get ready for bed. I used to go to Zumba twice a week but with winter that stopped. I read in the bath. I used to read a book every two days or so (seriously, I need to read to live) write letters, call friends and do things like hobbies. Ok, I did stay up an hour or so longer and sleep an hour so longer. I almost never watch a TV program from 8 -9. I never used to see programs at 10 but I could watch between 8 and 10. Yes, I was a little younger, too. But lately I feel really out of balance. As a Libra, funny as it sounds, it hurts even more. I need equilibrium.

And what else can I deal with? Well. I have had dense breasts for years. I always picture them as saying d’uh. So years ago, in the beginning of this downward spiral, my mammo showed something. I told them I had fallen and it could be a bruise but no. So I had a sono and they said biopsy. I had this December 23. New Year’s eve they said it probably had been a bruise. 6 months later, it was the other breast. I call them equal opportunity breasts! It took about 2 years but things finally calmed down. So went for my mammo two Fridays ago and received a voice mail at work on Monday. Husband says it’s nothing. I said they don’t call if it’s good news. Who was right? Me! I wasn’t giving up my time off so next Friday more studies and a sono. I am trying not to think about this. I just can’t take much more.

On a more positive note, even though I am not liking my job (another blog) I am getting more projects. I don’t feel warm and fuzzy. I did apply for a job close to home. I usually don’t like working close to home. Snotty me thinks they are much too insular. You make less money and people think less of you as a woman working. Seriously! All that being said, I am in discussion with an LI company. It would be less than 20 minutes from the house. Ironically, I would have a longer work day. I am slightly optimistic but nervous about showing up with a cane. My argument – I commute and there’s nothing wrong with my brain!

I did get my new spectral leg on Thursday morning and have high hopes. But even though it’s thinner, it looks more permanent. I haven’t really worn it as I am on holiday over 100 miles from home and didn’t want to drive with it untested. I have walked lots. Yesterday over 4 miles, which for me right now is awesome.

Today we went back to Hyde Park and a park ranger suggested to my husband that we could get a wheelchair to use there for free. I thought I was walking ok, not great but alright. After he left I started to cry. Is this what I have come to? Is this how people see me? It’s not how I see me. I don’t want this. We were at Hyde Park and I felt if FDR could be president, persevere with polio, what is going on with me is piddling and surmountable.

Back to staying strong and moving forward, literally one step at a time.

Ampyra Plus

Posted on April 26, 2015 by tresswann

Well, I started the Ampyra a week ago. I had fought against taking drugs for ages. When I finally gave in, my insurance wouldn’t pay for it. New insurance pays. And it’s reasonable. So, I started it last Saturday. Yes, I was/am worried about side effects. Uh, seizure is one? Much trepidation. So far, so good, no side effects. And I am walking better! It’s amazing. Thursday, I walked 11,000 steps and was not stumbling and half dead, that night or the next day! I can’t believe it. I am fearfully optimistic. On the one hand, I have read the literature. This is not a cure. I can continue to deteriorate. I do not want to think about this. Here’s where I am going. I am taking this as a second chance. I can go back to Zumba. I need to find my way back to the gym and build those muscles.

This morning, I went for MRIs. I have been getting them from a research study. It was de-funded and the doctor pointed out that it had been two years and since my left side seemed to be having trouble…. This time the insurance is good. I didn’t want to go. What is the point? I know things have changed. There’s nothing they can do, so why? Of course, I had to take the spectral leg off for the MRI and the tech wanted to wheel me into to the room in a wheelchair. NOOOOO! I stumbled and gimped on it. Puhleez!

And I am on a roll, yesterday I went to get a new spectral leg. I was shown one that had two thin metal strips in the back but my ankle is too wobbly. However, there is a graphite one with a thinner back and slimmer sole. I may be able to wear nicer shoes. I hate, hate looking disabled. I am like a newscaster behind a desk – everything looks good until I stand and walk! I am very vain and ugly shoes impact me. And I don’t buy what some of my friends tell me about being older and not wearing heels. Okay, I wouldn’t want to wear stilettos anyway but I see no reason why I can’t with practice and determination get back to kitten heels. Let’s not even consider crutches or wheelchairs.

My goal is to go back to wearing spectral leg only to and from work and to ditch the cane. Build those muscles. So, I need to amp the clean eating. I am on my way.

She Gonna Cause the Rafters to Ring- Dolly Dawn

Posted on April 10, 2015 by tresswann

Dolly Dawn – part of my childhood. I come from a mixed family. My mother was Jamaican and my dad was from NY and Jewish. We celebrated everything. They respected each other and their faiths. So tonight the kids and I celebrated Passover. It was one of those weeks. First night of Passover was Good Friday – not happening. Saturday they had a Seder with their mother. Sunday we celebrated Easter. Monday was out due to Sunday. Tuesday I had a doctor’s appointment. Wednesday was their mother’s birthday so here we are tonight. I came in late as the trains were beyond messed up and just turned on the ipod. It was West Indian music.

After they left, I cranked the Belafonte. And danced. Well, it kinda resembled Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. But I sang the songs of my childhood and moved. I played calypso.

Pretty, pretty Dolly. She gonna dance, she gonna sing, she gonna cause the rafters to ring. In my family, we danced, especially around holidays. My dad used to spin me and sit down. We would limbo. I felt reconnected tonight. I miss my family. I miss dancing. I kinda did it tonight. It gives me hope – spectral leg and all.

Family and friends – I hear Ska in my mind when I look at this

Aftermath of the Doctor’s Visit

Posted on April 9, 2015 by tresswann

What can I say? I never like going to the neurologist as I find it a very draining experience. I hate seeing people worse off than me. She is always telling me how I am not doing badly. Last time she said I was more spiritual. Don’t get me wrong. She is nice and listens to me. Not sure, if she really hears me. When we first started, she said everything wasn’t all about the disease/condition. She was for me and my kitten heels. The last few years the exams have been cursory. My husband thought that once I wasn’t participating in research drugs she wasn’t really interested in me.

I have had a bad few weeks. Not enough walking or exercise due to bad winter. I am never in pain except for when I fall. My knee has been hurting me and it’s not a “fall” hurt. I have been barely able to walk. Well, I did turn a corner last Thursday, even though I did fall but I walked 11,500 steps. Still, it’s been a real struggle. I hate the way I am walking and looking. I knew this time wasn’t going to be good.

I had the very sympathetic look – so sorry you are falling more often with the unspoken words what do you expect?

Bad news – we expect your symptoms to worsen in your already effected area but it appears things have changed and we need to look. Yup, my left leg and my fingers are going. And did I know that I have arthritis in my spine? No, I didn’t and it looks like it might be getting worse?

Oh and the falling? You may not want to hear this but maybe bilateral support? As I was asking, can you say it in English? My husband was saying, she’s not going for it. Crutches!!! Is she f’ing kidding??

And drugs? She wants me to take the Bac more regularly. I needed bloods for the Ampyra. I hate needles. Once a doctor told me he needed blood and I said needles? He said, well I am not a vampire. I thought this visit was going to be about other drugs. Nope, she wants MRIs. Luckily, with my change in insurance, they are only $75. Last time, it took me almost two years to pay them off. Glutathione? Complementary treatment. I did get scrips for a new spectral leg though.

I also feel out of balance, literally and figuratively. I thought I was finally getting to a place where I didn’t have to stress about buying “stuff”. As I approach my milestone year, I wanted to stop settling. I like being able to buy the Hourglass blush and highlighter. I wanted to upgrade my car. Material, superficial stuff I know. And I know walking is more important. I guess I just want to live as if this isn’t happening.

Oh, and the neurologist is not covered under my new insurance. She wants to see me in about a month. Look at it this way, I’ll be getting a larger tax refund next year.

So, what do I want to do about all this? Fight back. Restart and commit to the physical therapy, get in more walking (read lurching) and be more aggressive foodwise. Neuro says one of her patients gets good results but it’s not a good idea, just be moderate. I am going with my plan and let’s see if I can have improvements by next time. I am betting on me. I hope to blog about it daily. We’ll see.

The Liebster Award Blog

Posted on April 5, 2015 by tresswann

Well, better a little late than never. I do have to thank Ms and Fabulous http://msandfabulous.com for doing this for me. I love reading her. It’s been really good for me to think about some of these questions.

Why did you start your blog?

I started my blog because I have always had a journal/diary whatever. As I’ve previously said in a way this is my Midas in the bulrushes moment. It’s my way to vent and to process. Ok, and to share.

What is your favorite color?

La vie en rose, of course.

What is your favorite dessert?

So many to love. It can be seasonal. Things I like Key Lime pie, Christmas pudding, trifle, cheesecake. My current favorite mango coconut sorbet.

What are your top 3 favorite books?

Again, so many to choose and so many to love. Well, Dickens at the top of the list. So, I am thinking David Copperfield. A Little Princess or The Secret Garden. Hmmm.then….. Amy Tan is wonderful, Joanna Trollope, Ruth Rendell, Laura Lippmann, recent loves. Maya Angelou – I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. The Last Picture Show – Larry McMurtry. Anything by Gail Godwin. Barbara Pym – definitely shaped my consciousness.

What are your top 3 favorite movies?

Oh three so doesn’t work for me. My favorites are transitory. Movies I watch again and again….

Forrest Gump – I even paid to see it three times. “The Object of My Affection,” I keep on coming back to Easy Rider. Did I love Peter Fonda? “The Secret Life of Bees”, “Jean de Fleurette and Manon”. “Breaking Away” – struggling to find yourself and recreate yourself. Next week or next month, maybe a different answer.

What is your favorite home-cooked meal/comfort food?

These are hard questions. Eggplant parmigiana. Stuffed flounder. Solid Cadbury chocolate is comfort.

If you could speak another language, which one would it be?

Uh but I do. I love French. I wanted to take Latin and my parents put down their feet and I threw one of the few hissies of my life and ended up in French. It changed my life. I have a facility for language and do Italian, Spanish and German. In high school, I wanted to do Farsi and Russian. Japanese would be useful in my job now. Language is like extra vocabulary. I believe knowing only one language is limiting. My father used to make sure I knew how to say “I am American. I need an attorney” in any country I was traveling to. And me, personally, I wanted to be able to understand “Let’s kill that little girl over there”. I have enjoyed the freedom speaking other languages has given me.

If you were a superhero, what would your super power be?

Super power. It’s always a toss up between invisibility and flying. Right now, flying trumps all. It would be glorious to feel free, soaring and weightless instead of the careful measured tread I have to take. And to be carefree. Peter Pan calls me and don’t tell me he wasn’t a super hero. He must have been the first.

What is one piece of advice you would give someone just starting a blog?

The same advice that was given to me – take a course. I learned a lot from Blogging 101. The other piece – read other people’s blogs. It helps.

Which song would you pick to be your personal theme song?

Ah, these questions with no clear answers. I always thought the Rolling Stones “Satisfaction” was my theme song, flawed for obvious reasons. When I was a college, Don McLean’s “Everybody Loves Me Baby” really worked. I was going through a bad time and Bruce Springsteen’s Badlands. “Thunder Road” obsessively and constantly. “it’s a town full of losers and I am pulling out of here to win” (See Levittown (read childhood) comment) but it’s so much more. Hangfire by the Stones saved my life somewhere in the 80’s. Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young” is a consistent theme. I am a Levittown girl. Joni Mitchell’s Cactus Tree and/or Coyote the last few years. Van Morrison reaches my soul – Caravan. Lately, I have been playing the Allman’s Melissa on my ipod and Jason Isbell’s Live Oak. The soundtrack of my life. Is there a theme to all this music, maybe someone else will see it.

Which do you prefer: bare lips, chapstick/lip balm, lip gloss, or lipstick?

Lipstick. Finally, a definitive answer. But I can’t live without eyeliner!

Eleven Random Facts About Me: (Jessica, this stuff is hard!)

My favorite place to be is on the beach, any beach. I miss the ocean all the time. This condition has stopped me from walking on the beach.

I like my chocolate and liquor straight and unadulterated. Read that – not in cake or ice cream. No juice, no soda. Maybe a little ice.

I used to fit a terrorist profile in Italy. I was single and travelled all over, staying usually only a night or two, all over Europe.

I love to cook. This was unusual for my family as on my maternal side, they had servants and ladies didn’t cook and on my paternal side, well, maybe it was cooking but it certainly wasn’t good.

I can’t stand wearing red, pink or coral nail polish. Blues, purples, greens, silvers and golds for me.

I hate red roses. They symbolize death to me.

Being married and staying married is something I never thought I would or could do.

I have a dish fetish. I don’t know how many sets I have now. I moved out of my mother’s because I had seven sets under the bed and in the closet.

I am a secret workaholic. I do it in bunny slippers.

I am terrified of being a little old lady with cats.

I have great faith.

I nominate:

OnBeauty https://onculturebeauty.wordpress.com

Deuce2treble3quinn4 https://deuce2treble3quinn4.wordpress.com/

EmmaLisa3 http://emmalisa3.com/

F you, MS https://fyoums.wordpress.com/

Kelzbelzphotography https://kelzbelzphotography.wordpress.com

MyBrainisMessingwithMyHead mybrainismessingwithmyhead.wordpress.com

My questions:

Why blog?
If you could be anywhere but here now, where would that be?

Traditional Medicine or Alternative?
Is make-up part of your armour?
What genre do you like to read best?
Last film you saw and why?

Favorite holiday?

What is your favorite place you have visited?

Did you like high school (or equivalent)?

What scares you most?

What advice would you give to someone starting a blog?

Official Rules

If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award, AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, write a blog post about the Liebster Award in which you:

Thank the person that nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.
Display the award on your blog.

Answer the 11 questions about yourself provided to you by the person who nominated you.

Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
Nominate 5-11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have less than 200 followers.
Create a new list of questions for the bloggers to answer.
List these rules in your post.

Inform the bloggers that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post.

April Warrior Check In

Posted on April 3, 2015 by tresswann

Back for April:

How do I feel today – Perkier today than in a couple of weeks. I have had a lot of stress, frustration and pressure around my work. I think my husband is slipping. He definitely did and now I have no trust. And although today was the first day all week, I could walk freely, I took a bad fall in the subway. My husband was with me and he couldn’t stop it. People always bad mouth New Yorkers but a man helped my husband pick me up off the platform and people held the elevator for me and this was rush hour! I walked more today than all week combined. I thought I really hurt myself. We will see.

What did you do for yourself today?

Well, I blogged, had lunch with some friends. I am not working tomorrow, resting, reading and doing fun things.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Mixed, though mostly good. Granola (homemade) for breakfast and snack, orange, uh two Lindt chocs, sushi for dinner and half a slice of my husband’s pizza. I feel it, gave me a headache

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – Still not going to the gym or Zumba. Due to more falls back to square one with abs. Have been on treadmill and Wii. Need to find the original DVD because of the balance issues.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life? Grateful that I didn’t seriously hurt myself in my fall. Grateful for the kindness of strangers. Friends and family, health are what matters most.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life? Make a mission statement – Higher purpose still not defined. Beginning to dream again. Too heavy for me.

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Not this month but I have appointment with doctor on Tuesday and am going to try for the Ampyra. And yes, I am going to do my best to eat right this month

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk

What symptoms are most troublesome – Getting really slow and bad at walking and not being able to get on and off the train.

Do I blame myself for things – Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this.

How is stress level? It’s high. Now I am really frightened about how things are going down.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today? Start over. It’s a new month. Rest and do art. Eat right

Until next month.

Poster Children

Posted on March 27, 2015March 27, 2015 by tresswann

I have a thing about poster “children”. When I received my initial diagnosis, me being me, I said let me learn everything about it, I can. I am notorious for doing my homework. First thing, we reached out to the MS society. My diagnosis, which I reject or maybe deny, is PPMS. Actually, I reject but that’s another day. So we receive their packet. Talk about poster children. The PPMS brochure has woman in a scooter and she talks about how wonderful it is now that she has her scooter. F’ing excuse me? Not only is this not what I want to hear, it’s a piss poor message as far as I am concerned. So, how I am going to cope and fight with this disease is bop around on a scooter? Really? Not me, not yet, probably God’s willing not ever. We start with surrender and acceptance? Not working for me and I don’t think it should! We scratch MS society off our list and decide to fly solo.

Next, just this month we receive the newsletter from the Institute that’s treating me. Monitoring is actually a better description. See inspiring story on page… Flip to page. Another woman saying she wept buckets when they told her to use a cane but now it is sooo wonderful. Well, I didn’t weep when we had that conversation. I argued and acquiesced. I don’t cry as a rule in front of other people. I work really hard at not crying about this. When I do, it’s usually frustration and rage as oppose to fear. I have to use a cane now most of the time in public and it is so not wonderful. I understand I do need to be safe.

What kind of message is being sent? Are we Victorian? Am I supposed to lie back and think of England? I get it about false hope. But what about possibilities and determination? They don’t seem to fit in this “traditional” setting. Well, I worked for years in fashion and was always considered trendy so this is my take. Screw these “poster children”, my trend is not to go quietly into the night or anywhere, not to surrender and not to accept defeat.

Broken Canes, Mary Poppins and Peter Pan

Posted on March 24, 2015March 24, 2015 by tresswann

Last Monday morning I started off to work. It was the first time I think in weeks that I was going to work and in a skirt. No clunky snow shoes. I had on my regular granny nanny tie shoes. I was feeling positive. As I got on the escalator the handle of my cane felt weird. Hmmm, I didn’t realize it was jointed. I use collapsible canes. And until the last few months didn’t break it out until I was in the last leg of the way home at Penn, then tucked it away on the train so when I stepped out it was safe in my back pack. That being said I also go with pretty. Not for me those orthopedic metal looking horrors. In fact, we argued with my Dad when he started using one for whatever reason, we got him an Irish walking stick. My first one was black with multi colored butterfly. This one was dark purple with flowers. I get to the top of the escalator, stop to adjust backpack and the handle split apart and flew off. Two men who are on my train picked up the pieces and handed them to me. OK so I am missing the handle but I still have the stick part, just about the same height, no problem, right? Wrong, wrong, wrong. It devastated me to realize that I couldn’t walk in empty space without it. When did this happen? I stumbled and staggered to the bus. Then I had to walk the block to the office. I held onto a marble barrier. Didn’t see my friend who sometimes crosses with me. There is a security guard who watches out for me and he was coming into work and helped me up the steps and into the building. The building is a city block so I had to prop myself up another 3/4 block to get to my floor and then walk half a block to my desk. I was shattered. Being nervous made it so much worse. During the day at work I don’t use the cane unless I go to another floor.

I recovered a bit and came up with Plan B. I did realize as soon as it broke that there was no way that I could walk and do my subway usual without it and was going to take a cab. My stagger into work when I wasn’t fatigued, was horrible. So I initially thought cab, not happening!

One of my friends volunteered to go down to Duane Reade and get me another cane. No, I have a pretty spring one at home. My friend, the receptionist, usually has a golf umbrella. My thought, it’s the right height with a handle. My other friend goes to get it. I call husband who says are you crazy? I’ll come in with spare cane.

He calls and tells the kids that he pictures me with the umbrella being lifted up and sailing over Grand Central, like Mary Poppins. Kids haven’t stopped giggling. And sometimes, he makes me feel like I am being dragged by Mary Poppins when he tries to make me walk faster and longer. I am skimming above the sidewalk.

And me, I miss being Peter Pan. Didn’t ya think you could fly like Peter when you were younger? I did. I can see and feel it in my mind. And I want to be Peter again. I want to be free and soar outside of my body again. I will figure this out!

Mortality, Perspective and Balance

Posted on March 8, 2015 by tresswann

Mortality has been on my mind a lot. It’s a milestone year for me and I am feeling it, particularly since my mobility is impaired and seems to be worsening. I hope I have many years ahead of me, good years but you just don’t know. I live fairly locally to where I grew up so I was reading the local obituaries to see whose parents had died. And then people’s ages were getting too close to mine and I even knew some of them. It started to drag me down so I stopped.

Last week I received a call that one of my exes had a massive heart attack and was in a medically induced coma and the prognosis was not good. This was someone I had lived with for a few years. When I left him, he said “But we were going to get married” Nice of him to let me know. He wasn’t the first. I left someone else who then showed me a polaroid of the engagement ring he was paying off on for me.

Joebe passed away on Thursday night and I got the call Friday. I really thought he was stubborn and cantankerous enough to come out of this. He never regained consciousness. This is who he was, he thought he was having a heart attack so he drove himself to the doctor. Just what they tell you not to do. My husband has been upset because all week, of course, Joebe has been in my thoughts. I have been reminiscing. He doesn’t mind the reminiscing. They are not happy memories. He does not like that. I cannot help it. I am trying hard to remember some happy times. He was controlling and emotionally abusive. It is what it is and he was physically abusive just that one time. I tried explaining to my husband that remembering the bad times is not bad. I put on the card for the flowers “You changed my life” and he did. I learned all kinds of things about myself. I learned how much stronger I was than I thought.

It’s ironic, it’s March. I met him in March, 21 or 22 years ago. I never go out on St. Pat’s but a friend, Joe S asked me to go with him as a favor to some event or other. Joe T called and asked me to hang out so I said next week. Next week, I went to hang with Joe T and met Joebe. My parents couldn’t stand him as he was much older than me. I was living at home after my first marriage broke up and he would call and say “It’s Joe” and they would say “Which one?” Drove him insane. He was jealous and insecure. He did make me look at where I was jobwise. I had fallen on really bad times when my first marriage had broken up and was answering phones. I applied for another job like that and he told me if I kept on looking at the same jobs I would be in the same place. I left him when I got the job I have now. At the time I jumped my salary by 50%. With bonuses the first year, I made more than he did. We never really stopped talking and this truly irked him, a man of his age being bested by a little girl. He never thought I was very smart and I am. I am one of the first women at an all boys school and he always said that I got in because I was a girl. We went to a 25th anniversary of the admission of women and the former president said that admissions my year were blind. It was incredibly liberating. Joebe scoffed and said they lied.

He bought me a house. One of the reasons he bought this particular house was the day we looked at it, three swans floated up. It was on water and I am tresswann.

I am preparing to go to his funeral this afternoon with my husband. My husband always maintains that Joebe was my husband. I lived with him longer than I did my first husband and had more of a relationship with him.

I have kept on saying all week, this is weird. This afternoon is going to be weird. I was at the wedding of both of his children, the christening of two of his three grandchildren. He was one of 5 brothers. The family liked me. I have not seen these people in years. I am going to have to walk into this with a cane. My husband says to leave the cane behind and he will hold me. I am blessed. Things work out the way they are supposed to work out. I had a really close friend die when I was with Joebe. He knew him. He refused to come with me to the wake or funeral. Walking in alone was one of the hardest things I had done up to that point in my life. See, what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. Today, I will not be alone. I will be supported by love.

So, perspective too. On Thursday, I received a call from my agent indicating that he had been told I am not getting a raise for this year. Can I say livid is too mild a word? Yes, I worked remotely for most of January and February but I put in mega hours. I give heart and soul and do excellent work. I am not just saying this. And I am hurt by this. I will address it when I get into the office this week. But coming in conjunction with Joebe’s death, it’s time to take another look. If they think I am doing a less than adequate job which is what a non raise indicates to me then I can and will cut back. If I cut my hours, I cut my income. What’s money at the end of the day as long as the bills are paid? Working less hours will let me get home earlier and when I am home earlier and not putting in extra hours, I can do more “me” stuff. How about the gym? How about art and writing?

I am a Libra and as odd as it sounds, I need to be in balance. I have been out of balance. This manifests itself in my health. Oh, and a side note on stress, I left Joebe and started a new job all in the same month, not too crazy. I am moving towards this milestone birthday with trepidation. I am taking these two events as a sign to get back in balance. Maybe regain my physical sense of balance. We truly do not know when our last day will be. I don’t want the rest of whatever time I have to be filled with regrets or what ifs. Carpe Diem.

March Warrior Check In

Posted on March 1, 2015 by tresswann

Back for March:

How do I feel today – Mixed blues. Despite the fall and my face, we ran around a lot today. First thing, we went to Trader Joe’s and Omaha Steaks. No, no meat for me. Husband’s youngest just got his first apartment and we filled their freezer. Then on to the Chocolate Duck, again not for me, getting a class for a niece and Easter Egg supplies for the kids. Then on to sister in laws to drop off things and pick up Girl Scout cookies. Not for me. I don’t eat them, ever. Visit kids with food, flowers and pyrex for housewarming. I gimped through everything very frustrating and depressing but I still get going.

What did you do for yourself today?

Well, I blogged and then I am going to make a wrapped bracelet. And it was fun shopping.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Sigh. Not good. I started the morning with coffee and a piece of Christmas pudding. Toffee crunch after trader Joe’s. A streusel apple spelt muffin. Quinoa chips. Dare I say, steamed pork buns for dinner? But I have been really good all week, smoothies and salads

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – Still not going to the gym or Zumba. Still housebound, still doing the stepper and recently added treadmill. I am working my physical therapy back in. Hurt in falls so I am back to square one with Abs.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life? Grateful as usual to be warm safe and dry. Grateful that I didn’t seriously hurt myself in my fall. Grateful for the kindness of strangers. And my job. And my stepsons are awesome.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life? Make a mission statement – Higher purpose still not defined. Beginning to dream again

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Not this month but I think I need to go to the doctore.