worklife balance

Evaluating, Instincts and Perspective

Posted on by tresswann

It’s been a hard few months for me.  Particularly, the last few weeks.  I very rarely admit it but I have a streak of a workaholic in me.  Years ago, one of my friends told me I was the same as her except I did the extra work at home in the bathtub and in my bunny slippers.  My assistant used to go “Grrr, I see you wrote this in the bath again.”  That situation ended badly.  I was in that job for nearly 9 years.  I increased their business.  I literally made myself physically ill and as I have mentioned the roots of my present condition lie there.  I went to Asia on business when I could barely talk or breathe.  Forget experiencing Asian cuisine in Asia; every place I went they poured soup and tea down my throat.  Here’s what I did:  I left Taiwan at 11 o’clock in the morning, landed in LA 11 a.m. the same morning and worked till 11 p.m.  The men always stopped in Hawaii with their wives.  I  flew home to NY and collapsed in JC Penney.  Several years later I was let go from that company.  It was awful.  I had invested too much of myself.  I was left without myself.  I was severely depressed.  I got married.  Yes, I know.  And that made everything so much worse.  I was unemployed or under employed for 10 years and then I got this job.  Financially, I was back.  The first four years as an employee were great.  I left it at the office.  I worked late once or twice.  There was a downsizing and I was let go.  I said “Thank you.  Summer on the beach with shells in my hair.”  My condition manifested itself for the first time that summer and we put it down to stress and lack of activity.  Working, I walked miles a day, literally.

Cut to the present:  My life has been out of control and out of balance.  I went back as a part time consultant.  It was never really part time.  I joke the reason I was approved for my mortgage working part time was a major project went live the month they looked at my financials and I was doing over 40 hours a week.  Well, once I went back full time I started at around 37.5 a week.  I told my manager when I started back that  I knew hw he was and it would be more.  He swore to me I could be out the door by 4:30.  Well, that lasted a few weeks when I was told they needed more time.  Our agreement was that I could do it at home.  For years, I have done nights and weekends. 2007 – 2008 averaging 50 hours a week.  Note the word average.  Once this condition began to impact me I worked more and more from the house.   I work in an IT department so it’s relatively technologically advanced.  I laugh as every other Friday from home I am in a meeting with New York, New Jersey, London and Ireland.  This year even though I worked from the house I have been averaging closer to 45 hours a week with a lot of weeks 50 – 60.  Yes,   I do bill by the hour.

Recently, the two people I have always worked with except for a hellish 6 months were reorganized out of my area.  First hint – no one knew what to do with me and I heard unofficially I was going back to Hell.

In the interim, the group head starting signing my time sheets August 1.  I worked 48 hours one week to deliver a major project.  She said it was over time.  I said you owe me a lot of money then.  Upshot, not allowed to do more than 40.  Okay, I can live with that.

I work remotely on Friday and have done so for a few years or very, very short Fridays in the office.  It  is too dangerous for me to commute with the weekenders and I do have fatigue.  I have a doctor’s note.  I usually work longer on a Friday as I don’t have to commute.  The doctor wrote me a letter not to work when it’s 85.  This hurts as remember, summer on the beach with shells in my hair.  She apparently is not honoring this.  This means unless  I come in and jeopardize myself I lose a week’s pay a month.

A friend texts me Thursday night that the company has posted a job opening for Learning and Development.  I look it has been written to exclude me – must be able to sit or stand for long periods.

So, I  find myself in the same position I was over 20 years ago.  I did it again.  I put my heart and soul into this.  I cared. I did their work at the expense of my life.  They would call it scope creep at my job.   I can’t believe I bought into it.

I used to work in the garment industry and was laid off all the time.  I just had a sixth sense as to when it was going to happen plus someone would tip me off, too.  The only time that didn’t happen was when I was let go from my short interim position while I was doing little part time for the bank.  For the last three years,  I haven’t been feeling right there.  I have very positive moments and very positive reviews.  However,  this morning I said to myself “Face the facts.  You are going and sooner rather than later.”  I already had started taking things home.  However, when my credentials/capabilities were questioned. I brought in framed copies of my certificates.

I find myself feeling sad, nervous and betrayed.  I have to hold onto the belief that someone will hire me on suitable terms even though I am technically old, limp and use a cane.

I am resilient.  I always try and see the upside.  So being home for four days has been a blessing.  I am getting to catch up on my life.  I spoke to three friends on the phone yesterday, a luxury.  One was one of my exes (yes me and the eternal exes) and he had been with me for part of the first time.

I am approaching a milestone and am frighteningly aware of my mortality.  But this is an opportunity for new horizons and new possibilities as I approach this.

August Warrior Check In

Posted on by tresswann

Life is still intense. I am thinking about the “default future”

How do I feel today –   Pretty crappy.  I was in a slightly manic phase the last few weeks.  I couldn’t do things fast enough.  I knew I had to crash and I have.  I put in a high stress over 50 hour workweek this week.  Bed late every night.  I made a presentation to our head on Friday.  Well, all I can say was it wasn’t negative.  It is hard to live with the continual uncertainty about the job.  There never seems to be enough time.  I am a Libra and feel seriously out of balance.  I need to clear the decks and can’t.  I have started a new venture except I haven’t.  I have the skills and the tools to rock it and little Miss Sabotage strikes again.   The MRI shows no change but I seem to be getting worse.  I  think  I am going to look into genome testing.

What did you do for yourself today?

I tried to sleep late.  I read the Sunday times,  yeah!  Straightened up a bit.  Sent in a job application,  sat outside in the gazebo. Did NOT go grocery shopping or any kind of shopping.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Getting back to clean and it’s the right thing

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – No excuse not to go to the gym and I didn’t.  Miss Sabotage.  My fitbit has been wonky lately and I know that I had at least two days closer to 12,000 steps.  Ain’t drugs grand?  But zip didn’t record

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life?   I am blessed with the most amazing friends, truly.  I have a husband who watches over me.  I continue to have possibilities.  And this year, beautiful flowers in the garden

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –   Never give up?

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Ampyra since April.  The Ampyra continues to work.  I am walking more with less fatigue.  Friday high stress day and took subway to Village during rush hour

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk.  Think it’s time to add last time -off balance, weak knees

What symptoms are most troublesome -still hung up on the ugly shoes!  And my hands seem to be weakening

Do I blame myself for things –  Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. Still!  I let go of me and who I am and could be.  Same as last month

How is stress level? Skyrocketing with work issues

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Rest, take a step back.  Contemplate that default future and SMILE

Until next month.

Here We Go Again or Not

Posted on by tresswann

Well, tonight we were supposed to be taking the youngest and his fiancee out to dinner to celebrate their engagement.  We couldn’t go to the engagement party as it was at his ex’s and I believe I wasn’t invited.  He is not allowed to drive and the kids said they could get him a ride.  I was really looking forward to celebrating this moment in family life.  I was reflecting while I was at work how lucky I was.  I never had children of my own and I have come to love his two and believe they love me.  I never thought I would have a moment like this.  We had made reservations at a very nice restaurant.  I wore my new Calvin Klein outfit – beige and white sheath with gold accents and a subtle gold shimmer shrug.  Ok, I had on the ugly shoes.  But  I did feel nice.  My manager told me she loved the dress and I looked thin in it.  Ironically, I am down to the same weight I was when my father died and he went to jail 12 years ago.  Funny what time does to bodies.  Then, everyone was worried about how thin and drawn I looked.  He used to worry when I visited him in jail that I looked like a junkie because I was drawn.  12 years forward and I have middle age splodge at the same weight.

I have been thinking he was off again for a few weeks.  Not in a big way but just enough.  He sounded wrong this afternoon on the phone and I didn’t want to believe that he would do something on such an important night.  Swore when I got in that all was OK.   I was going along with it until I asked him for change for the restaurant tip. I had given him a twenty last Friday for a hair cut he didn’t get, plus he had some more cash in case he needed to come pick me up at work.  Tonight he had $11 dollars.  I texted son and fiancee that dinner was cancelled, cancelled the restaurant too.  In the old days, I would have gone along with it.  I texted his sister and asked for help.  Specifically I told her he had been drinking again; I believe probation will come either tonight or tomorrow and he will breath positive.  He is not allowed to drink on probation and I have an order of protection that he can’t drink when he’s with me.  Almost three years ago we had a stay away order which I didn’t want.  If he violates, that goes back into effect.  I didn’t want it then and I don’t want it now.  I am NOT a victim.  As usual, sis has not come through.  When this stuff happens, he’s not her family, he’s mine.

I have learned that it’s useless to talk to him when he’s like this but this time I have taped some of it.  I missed the truly nasty bits.  He is saying he doesn’t care and when he is straight he says that is the problem, he doesn’t care when he drinks.  He has come so far to have this slip up.  We have been having fun and doing things together.

I am in much worse condition now than when this whole mess started.  He literally helps me out of the bath at night.  He ties my shoes for me.  He helps me come home from work when it’s late or hot or I am too fatigued.  We have been making a beautiful garden.  This week he had to put my hair up for me because I was too weak.  He liked my Paint Night painting.  We laughed I am better than a first grader in art but not a fifth grader.paint night June 2015

I can’t and won’t go back to the way we used to live.  I literally had to take my pocketbook into the bathroom with me if I got up in the middle of the night.

I have taken the weekend, Friday and Monday off.  This costs me as I am a consultant and don’t get paid.  We were going to redo my home office and had bought the paint.  We bought a new TV that could be used in here too.  Obviously, it’s not going to happen.

And I am devastated and heartbroken.  Not eating, so will go below my “junkie” weight.  Last time he was arrested, I lost 6 pounds in two days.  Guess I’ll do what I usually do to medicate myself – read novels, write and make things but no bubble baths.  I hate being resilient but guess it’s what saves me all the time.

Another Blow

Posted on by tresswann

I have had a relatively crappy week.  I didn’t get the job.  That’s alright.  I know things happen for a reason.  I have not gotten many jobs over the years that I wanted and was qualified for and it’s all worked out.  There was one in California where they wanted someone who understood multiculturism.  I am multi- cultural.  The owner’s wife died 4 weeks later and the business closed.  Same with a handbag manufacturer – son died within the year, business closed.  JC Penney moved to Texas.  Two of my most sobering ones, early on I didn’t get a job at Cantor Fitzgerald and in 2000 I didn’t get another job at the WTC.  Recruiters called me for months with that perfect opportunity.  I always get to work early. I would not have made it.  So, I do know.  This job though represented a chance to have a different kind of life.  No  more 4:15 a.m. out the door before 5:30 a.m. Dental insurance!  I have just found out I need several thousand dollars worth of dental work.   A whole change in lifestyle.  I could taste it. Plus,  lately I haven’t been treated well on the job.  Who hasn’t had resignation fantasies?  I wanted my company to regret losing me and understand the full scope of what I do.

On the up side, I feel empowered to keep on looking.  I now have a clearer idea of what I want and need.

Fridays I work from home because of my condition.  Every other Friday I attend a team meeting.  I am not really part of the team but the org chart put me there.  It’s a team of developers.  I work in IT but am not technical.  I bill by the hour so on Fridays, it’s easy money for half an hour to an hour.  Most of the time I do not understand what they are saying.  It’s a foreign language and I have a facility for languages.  What is kinda cool is the team is in NY, NJ, London and Ireland.  I video/conference in from LI and one of the team comes in through PA.  Oh yes. I view the video but block them viewing me most of the time.  When I am in the office,  I tend to turn it off too.  One manager recently asked me, “How come I always see your coffee mug but not you?”  I digress.  This team is primarily male.  There is 1 woman sometimes in NY.  She’s a recent add on.  There are one or two in Ireland.  Think of this as the sniggering little boys club.  They are always talking behind people’s backs and saying snide things.  I get a notice Friday morning  that the meeting has been pushed back 15 minutes.  I enter a minute early and it is very much in progress.  Oh,  you joined.  We made an announcement,  R (my manager and for years my champion, but not lately) is going over to the other side of the business.  We don’t know who you will be reporting to.  The developers will be moving to another building but we don’t think you will be going with them”. I feel like all the wind has been knocked out of me.   I have worked with this woman for 15 years!  She could have told me herself but that would have been human!  I have a friend there who always says “Ah you work with the F’ing computer people”.  I have recently been told not only by this manager but by my other former manager that the head of the department has badmouthed me and doesn’t understand why she should be paying me.   My feeling is that I am about to be let go.  My agent says my contract is meaningless.  They have broken them before with him.  I do reach out to her in the afternoon and she tells me no decision has been made about where I am going; she is open to suggestions.    She has wanted to put me in HR for almost a year.  I have bad, bad history with HR.  They have made changes but for those of you who know me…. I work in organized chaos.  The new HR is OCD, seriously.  And although I have worked corporately forever, they are much too corporate and clique-y for me.

I need to keep my stress levels down.  Stress goes directly into my legs.  This is not helping.  I had started yoga every night but am not sure how much it will help.  Of course, I am going to fight but fighting takes enormous energy.  Yes, of course I have a case.  I have been a consultant there for 11 years after they eliminated my job of 4 years and brought me back to do the same thing without benefits!  I am a woman, over 40, interracial and disabled.  I just want to continue to do what I do.  I enjoy it most of the time. Yes,   I do want to make changes.  I have always had a deep faith in the Universe so I have to look at this in the light that the Universe is reaching out to me.

I am medicating, by that I mean I went out and bought a seriously pretty dress and will pretend that I am not wearing ugly shoes.  I have chocolate, bubble bath and novels.   My husband is prepping the grounds and we have been to three nurseries and bought tons of flowers.  It will be soothing.

I know it’s life but I am so tired of struggling and fighting.

June Warrior Check In

Posted on by tresswann

Back for June, a little late.

How do I feel today – Today was horrid.  It started out at 4:30 a.m. with a rejection for a job I had interviewed for.  It would have meant getting up later,  more balance and paid medical insurance.  Plus, the area would let my husband work in the same area.  I missed my bus by very little so was late for work.  I had to do a taping at work and enlisted the guy that used to sit behind me.  He’s great to sit with.  Putting it in mild polite terms, he is, at best, a pompous ass to work with.  So,  I have been working on this project for over a year.  One for which he is supposed to act as my admin and enter all the details in the project tool.  I have been told he is claiming credit for it.  I have literally taped this around 20 times.  Couldn’t get the PC to share today for some reason.  He figured it out and gave a great reading.  Then he tells me the script needs to be “wordsmithed”  (I HATE, HATE lingo) and we need professional, real writer.  Grrrr!  Uh, I am one?  It’s the issue I have been facing.  I am currently out of favor, the grass looks greener to them.  After all of that, the tape is lost somewhere on the server.  I had to bring in the laptop (theirs) to do this and it needed security patches installed which took forever and went in a loop.  My phone charger broke.  I thought it had broken in the phone.  My back is hurting me.  It never hurts.  Even with husband helping me I barely made it onto the train.  Some guy dropped his suitcase on my arm.

On the upside, this has all strengthened my resolve.  I will and can get stronger.  I will and can get another job.  It is possible.  I did 12,000 or so steps today.

What did you do for yourself today?

Well, I went to lunch with a friend.  It was peaceful.  I am following through on a promise I made to myself at the beginning of the year to have lunch out of the office.  I ate appropriately, too.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – I ate nicely but…. My husband bought me a dish of gelato (verboten) as I type this.  My choice is that if I am going to cheat it will be with good stuff

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – The steps are moving up.  I am also planning on continuing daily abs work and I have started a yoga challenge and despite back, did not wimp out and did it.  It makes me feel better but also I realize how out of shape I have become.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life?   Grateful for friends.  My friends were around me today like a swarm.  My husband has been supportive.  What matters most?  Family and friends still hold first place.  The chance and strength to move forward.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement – Higher purpose still not defined.  Beginning to dream again.  Still working on it.  To never give up, give in and be the best I can be.

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Ampyra since April. I have walked more than I have in years.

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk

What symptoms are most troublesome – being off balance and not walking well, wearing ugly shoes and consequently ugly clothes.  I have a new spectral leg a.k.a. brace but still my shoes don’t fit.

Do I blame myself for things –  Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. Still!  And I think always.  It’s funny how we don’t take things seriously

How is stress level? It’s high.  Way, way high

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Continue to try and be strong, stronger.  Go to the gym!  Smile!  Eat consciously and well.

Until next month.

Aftermath of the Doctor’s Visit

Posted on by tresswann

What can I say?  I never like going to the neurologist as I find it a very draining experience. I hate seeing people worse off  than  me.   She is always telling me how I am not doing badly. Last time she said I was more spiritual.  Don’t get me wrong.  She is nice and listens to me.  Not sure, if she really hears me.  When we first started, she said everything wasn’t all about the disease/condition.  She was for me and my kitten heels.  The last few years the exams have been cursory.  My husband thought that once I wasn’t participating in research drugs she wasn’t really interested in me.

I have had a bad few weeks. Not enough walking or exercise due to bad winter.    I am never in pain except for when I fall.  My knee has been hurting me and it’s not a “fall” hurt.  I have been barely able to walk.  Well, I did turn a corner last Thursday, even though I did fall but I walked 11,500 steps.  Still, it’s been a real struggle.  I hate the way I am walking and looking.  I knew this time wasn’t going to be good.

I had the very sympathetic look – so sorry you are falling more often with the unspoken words what do you expect?

Bad news – we expect your symptoms to worsen in your already effected area but it appears things have changed and we need to look.  Yup, my left leg and my fingers are going.  And did I know that I have arthritis in my spine?  No, I didn’t and it looks like it might be getting worse?

Oh and the falling?  You may not want to hear this but maybe bilateral support?  As I was asking, can you say it in English?  My husband was saying, she’s not going for it.  Crutches!!!  Is she f’ing kidding??

And drugs?  She wants me to take the Bac more regularly.  I needed bloods for the Ampyra.  I hate needles.  Once a doctor told me he needed blood and I said needles?  He said, well I am not a vampire.  I thought this visit was going to be about other drugs.  Nope, she wants MRIs.  Luckily, with my change in insurance, they are only $75.  Last time, it took me almost two years to pay them off. Glutathione?  Complementary treatment.  I did get scrips for a new spectral leg though.

I also feel out of balance, literally and figuratively.  I thought I was finally getting to a place where I didn’t have to stress about buying “stuff”.  As I approach my milestone year, I wanted to stop settling.  I like being able to buy the Hourglass blush and highlighter.  I wanted to upgrade my car.  Material, superficial stuff I know.  And I know walking is more important.  I guess I just want to live as if this isn’t happening.

Oh, and the neurologist is not covered under my new insurance.  She wants to see me in about a month.  Look at it this way, I’ll be getting a larger tax refund next year.

So, what do I want to do about all this?  Fight back.  Restart and commit to the physical therapy, get in more walking (read lurching) and be more aggressive foodwise. Neuro says one of her patients gets good results but it’s not a good idea, just be moderate.  I am going with my plan and let’s see if I can have improvements by next time.  I am betting on me.  I hope to blog about it daily.  We’ll see.

Mortality, Perspective and Balance

Posted on by tresswann

Mortality has been on my mind a lot.  It’s a milestone year for me and I am feeling it, particularly since my mobility is impaired and seems to be worsening.  I hope I have many years ahead of me, good years but you just don’t know.  I live fairly locally to where I grew up so I was reading the local obituaries to see whose parents had died.  And then people’s ages were getting too close to mine and I even knew some of them.  It started to drag me down so I stopped.

Last week I received a call that one of my exes had a massive heart attack and was in a medically induced coma and the prognosis was not good.  This was someone I had lived with for a few years.  When I left him, he said “But we were going to get married”  Nice of him to let me know.  He wasn’t the first.  I left someone else who then showed me a polaroid of the engagement ring he was paying off on for me.

Joebe passed away on Thursday night and I got the call Friday.  I really thought he was stubborn and cantankerous enough to come out of this.  He never regained consciousness.  This is who he was, he thought he was having a heart attack so he drove himself to the doctor.  Just what they tell you not to do.  My husband has been upset because all week, of course,  Joebe has been in my thoughts.  I have been reminiscing. He doesn’t mind the reminiscing.  They are not happy memories. He does not like that.   I cannot help it.  I am trying hard to remember some happy times.  He was controlling and emotionally abusive.  It is what it is and he was physically abusive just that one time.  I tried explaining to my husband that remembering the bad times is not bad.  I put on the card for the flowers “You changed my life” and he did.  I learned all kinds of things about myself.  I learned how much stronger I was than I thought.

It’s ironic, it’s March.  I met him in March, 21 or 22 years ago.  I never go out on St. Pat’s but a friend, Joe S asked me to go with him as a favor to some event or other.  Joe T called and asked me to hang out so I said next week.  Next week, I went to hang with Joe T and met Joebe.  My parents couldn’t stand him as he was much older than me.  I was living at home after my first marriage broke up and he would call and say “It’s Joe”  and they would say “Which one?”  Drove him insane.  He was jealous and insecure.  He did make me look at where I was jobwise.  I had fallen on really bad times when my first marriage had broken up and was answering phones.  I applied for another job like that and he told me if I kept on looking at the same jobs I would be in the same place.  I left him when I got the job I have now.  At the time I jumped my salary by 50%.  With bonuses the first year, I made more than he did.  We never really stopped talking and this truly irked him, a man of his age being bested by a little girl. He never thought I was very smart and I am.  I am one of the first women at an all boys school and he always said that I got in because I was a girl.  We went to a 25th anniversary of the admission of women and the former president said that admissions my year were blind.  It was incredibly liberating.  Joebe scoffed and said they lied.

He bought me a house.  One of the reasons he bought this particular house was the day we looked at it, three swans floated up.  It was on water and I am tresswann.

I am preparing to go to his funeral this afternoon with my husband.  My husband always maintains that Joebe was my husband.  I lived with him longer than I did my first husband and had more of a relationship with him.

I have kept on saying all week, this is weird.  This afternoon is going to be weird.  I was at the wedding of both of his children, the christening of two of his three grandchildren.  He was one of 5 brothers.  The family liked me.  I have not seen these people in years.  I am going to have to walk into this with a cane.  My husband says to leave the cane behind and he will hold me.  I am blessed.  Things work out the way they are supposed to work out.  I had a really close friend die when I was with Joebe.  He knew him.  He refused to come with me to the wake or funeral.  Walking in alone was one of the hardest things I had done up to that point  in my life.  See, what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.  Today, I will not be alone.  I will be supported by love.

So, perspective too.  On Thursday, I received a call from my agent indicating that he had been told I am not getting a raise for this year.  Can I say livid is too mild a word?  Yes, I worked remotely for most of January and February but I put in mega hours.  I give heart and soul and do excellent work.  I am not just saying this.  And I am hurt by this.  I will address it when I get into the office this week.  But coming in conjunction with Joebe’s death, it’s time to take another look.  If they think I am doing a less than adequate job which is what a non raise indicates to me then I can and will cut back.  If I cut my hours, I cut my income.  What’s money at the end of the day as long as the bills are paid?  Working less hours will let me get home earlier and when I am home earlier and not putting in extra hours, I can do more “me” stuff.  How about the gym? How about art and writing?

I am a Libra and as odd as it sounds, I need to be in balance.  I have been out of balance.  This manifests itself in my health.  Oh, and a side note on stress, I left Joebe and started a new job all in the same month, not too crazy.  I am moving towards this milestone birthday with trepidation.  I am taking these two events as a sign to get back in balance.  Maybe regain my physical sense of balance. We truly do not know when our last day will be.  I don’t want the rest of whatever time I have to be filled with regrets or what ifs.   Carpe Diem.

March Warrior Check In

Posted on by tresswann

Back for March:

How do I feel today – Mixed blues.  Despite the fall and my face, we ran around a lot today.  First thing, we went to Trader Joe’s and Omaha Steaks.  No, no meat for me.  Husband’s youngest just got his first apartment and we filled their freezer.  Then on to the Chocolate Duck, again not for me, getting a class for a niece and Easter Egg supplies for the kids.  Then on to sister in laws to drop off things and pick up Girl Scout cookies.  Not for me.  I don’t eat them, ever.  Visit kids with food, flowers and pyrex for housewarming.   I gimped through everything very frustrating and depressing but I still get going.

What did you do for yourself today?

Well, I blogged and then I am going to make a wrapped bracelet.  And it was fun shopping.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Sigh.  Not good.  I started the morning with coffee and a piece of Christmas pudding.  Toffee crunch after trader Joe’s.  A streusel apple spelt muffin.  Quinoa chips.  Dare I say, steamed pork buns for dinner?  But I have been really good all week, smoothies and salads

Did I exercise? What did I do? How did it feel – Still not going to the gym or Zumba.  Still housebound, still doing the stepper and recently added treadmill.  I am working my physical therapy back in.  Hurt in falls so I am back to square one with Abs.

For whom or what are you grateful? What matters most in life? Grateful as usual to be warm safe and dry.  Grateful that I didn’t seriously hurt myself in my fall.  Grateful for the kindness of strangers.  And my job.  And my stepsons are awesome.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement – Higher purpose still not defined.  Beginning to dream again

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Not this month but I think I need to go to the doctore.

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk

What symptoms are most troublesome – Duh, gradually losing my ability to walk and being dependent.  And the falling.

Do I blame myself for things –  Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this.

How is stress level? It’s high.  Now I am really frightened about how things are going down.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Start over.  It’s a new month.  I still have new days.

Until next month.

Not Inspiring

Posted on by tresswann

Ok, so I use the spectral leg and a cane, a very pretty one at that.  I work in New York City and commute every day.  I wake a little after 4 in the morning and am at my desk, smiling by 7:30 in the morning.  What most people do not see is the struggle sometimes to make that walk into the office.  I count that as one of the upsides of early.

I try and go to Zumba two nights a week.  It’s a class I have been going  to for several years.  And yes,  I have been able to do less and less.  But I still go. The music connects me with my mother and my family.  We played some of those songs when I was growing up.  And as a family, we always danced.

I am a person.  I am not a condition or an illness.

I hate it when people tell me I am inspiring.  With one major exception,  which I will discuss in a moment.

I hate when people say ” I don’t see how you do it.”  Again, it’s my life.  What am  I going to do, crawl into a cave of illness and defeat?  Why wouldn’t I do it?  Where is self-pity going to get me? It’s not going to help or make things better.  Ditto the “you are so brave”.  Why?  If I don’t wake up in the morning and go, what is there?  I am not brave, I am freaking terrified.  In terms of bravery there is so much more in this world to be brave about other than living a quotidian life.  I belonged to a group when this journey started and one of the women had a granddaughter who was 9 and had something wrong with her ankles.  If I remember correctly, they were disintegrating.  That’s brave.  Her family was brave and strong.  Me, getting up and living my life is not brave.

I always try and tell people when they tell me I am inspiring that I am not.  I do not live nor wish to live a poster child life.   This is my life and my reality.

Ok, there is one instance where I don’t mind as much about the inspiration thing. Yes, you  Jessica Campbell.  Check out her blog MS and Fabulous.  When it comes from someone who is going through what you are going through then it’s alright.  I am awed by Jessica.  There are people who confront these issues daily with style and true grace.  They are inspiring.  I am honored to even be thought of in that company.

I appreciate all my friends who support me and encourage me.  I am grateful for them.  I guess it’s the “outsiders” who consider my daily life inspiring.  It is not.  Choosing to live with a little mobility issue is not inspiring!

We all have issues that we confront. The ones I confront may just be more visually apparent.  And who knows?  My challenges may be so much less than what they appear.

Serious Stomach Stress and Sabotage

Posted on by tresswann

My first marriage was to a man, who although pleasant, had less financial sense than a 5 year old.  This wasn’t just me – his own mother was relieved we were marrying so I could take care of him.  I had lost my job and had started a business using my savings and unemployment.  He basically made less working than I did on unemployment. His idea – play Lotto.  He bought the you gotta be in it to win it ad.

Yup,  I had massive credit card debt.  One month, the bills came in, I literally doubled over and could not stand up.  I had massive pain in my stomach.  It took about two days till I could stand, do anything and of course, pay those bills.  The second month it happened, I figured out the trend.  It continued thereafter.  Usually, I could stand but could not do much of anything else.  It’s hard to read or think when you are in pain.  The marriage ended.  I cleared up the debt and it basically went away.  However, anytime I was in a stressful situation, it came back.  Mercifully, the duration was only a few hours and I have found that tea and warmth around my stomach help.

My last real bout of this was 10 years ago or so when my life started falling apart or changing.  I was seeing a counselor at the time and did manage to show up for an appointment in distress.  She suggested it could be irritable bowel or colitis.  Before I could go to the doctor, I was laid off. As I told the man who let me go “Thank you.  Summer on the beach with shells in my hair”.  No more stomach problems.

Periodically, about once a year or so, I get an “attack”, usually short-lived.

I am so much more than the condition(s) that are afflicting me.  Most times, I forget until I try to stand up or walk.   Right now, I am involved in projects at my job that not only do I enjoy but are high profile.  I do have a meeting scheduled with the top guy to present my work. I have noticed through out my working life that if things are going well or have the potential to go well, I get sick, typically a respiratory thing and/or fever.  I have never taken a final in high school or college without a fever.  I closed on my mother’s house and walked out of the offices with a 102 fever and had to go to bed for a few days.  My body knows.  So, I am working away on this presentation and putting in major time.  It’s the reason I haven’t blogged.  I felt prepared and rather calm.  Then I had two meetings and need to do more work.  Not a problem.  I have been house bound due to the weather.  Oh yeah, the other night, whammo!  My stomach thing hit full force.  I was grey, perspiring, in intense pain, the kind where every time you move and every way you move, hurts.  I knew exactly where it was coming from.  My body was telling me that I could not move forward and do this.  I couldn’t work.  I couldn’t think, I couldn’t sleep.  Taking deep breaths hurt!  3 a.m. found me panting.  My brain struggled through to my body and said Enough!  I am approaching a milestone age which has been weighing on me.  There are things I want to accomplish with my life.  It’s time for me to deal with it and realize what’s left of my potential.  I woke the next morning and started going for it.  As I write this my stomach is twinging but I am writing and working.  I am not going to let my body continue to sabotage me.  And isn’t that what part of this condition is?  My body literally not allowing me to move forward?  When I was in counseling during that bad time, the counselor said when you get upset you let your feet out from under you.  I am not saying that what’s happening with me is psychosomatic.  It isn’t but I am also saying the mind/body connection is a powerful one.

And as I said when I started this unforeseen journey, I will overcome.  I will rise.  It will be different.