career

April 2016 Check In

Posted on by tresswann

How did I feel this past Month?

March definitely was a combination of the lion and the lamb.  I am actively looking for work.  I fear that my age and infirmity are preventing me from getting a job.  Yes, I try not to focus on it but it is the elephant in the room.  Sometimes, I say that too.  Then, my Jawbone hasn’t been working so even though I am not walking enough I can’t tell.  I am deteriorating.  No one likes to hear it or see it.  I fell three times.  The last was a week ago and I really hurt my left hand.

What did you do for yourself this month?

Still with the gym and less so Zumba due to the weather.  I can’t really go out in rain or snow, too much chance of falling.  I have started to write again.  I started journaling in January and am writing in the day.  I have continued to clear clutter.  I am trying to reach out to people.  I am reconnecting with the creative  bits of me, a little writing, a little art.  Decoupage again.  Something I started to do in 7th grade.  I was always good at it.  And I am starting to take some glasses.  It’s both an outlet and a way to meet people.

What did I eat this month  and how did it make me feel –

More smoothies.  A little off the rails with gluten due to holiday.  And a little more meat.  Getting back on track.

Did I exercise?  What did I do?  How did it feel –

More time in the gym.  I am really liking it!

For whom or what are you grateful?  What matters most in life?

Faith helps lots.  My friends are awesome.  Some came into my life, some left.  The ones that are here are my rocks.  My stepsons continue to amaze me with their love and support.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –

A higher purpose is kinda grandiose.  I stand by fighting for what’s right.  Hopefully, others can benefit.  Living with integrity and never ever giving up.

Conventional medicine  Still just Ampyra and Baclufen

Symptoms – Hands are getting weaker and my balance is off.  My fingers are going white and numb which is freaking scary.  My right hand turns purple sometimes.

What symptoms are most troublesome  – Independence and mobility.  I also have been falling more.  Part of it I know is  stress.  But the rest of the time, it’s balance. And the fingers!

Do I blame myself for things – Yes, I am still believing it’s food, stress and exercise.

How is stress level?  Well, I am  still not working. So it’s getting to me.  I am able  to sleep later though.  I’d like to wake between 6 & 7 in the morning.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?

Faith, food, exercise.  Creative work. Never give up!!

Convergence, Synergy, Serendipity

Posted on by tresswann

I have been out of work for four months.  What a strange phrase to use.  Let’s rephrase:  I have not been paid or going to an employer for four months.  Work is continual and takes different forms.

I was/am beginning to feel a little despair, desperation.

I have always believed things happen for a reason.

I also have wanted to take this time to clear up around the house.  I had let everything go when  I had a job.  Plus, I have hoarding tendencies.  I literally took everything off the top of my desk.   I found a little pamphlet that a friend gave me about 25 years ago.  I did warn you.  The pamphlet was an abridged “The Power of Positive Thinking”.  My parents had the book.  I can picture it in the bookcase at the top of the stairs.  As they aged, they moved things and got rid of things.  I don’t know that is a book I ever would have kept.  I never cracked its spine when I was growing up.  But now, I found this little pamphlet and threw it in my bag when I was going into NYC for an interview.  I started to read it.  Last time I was without work and my first marriage was breaking up and I was probably clinically depressed, my mother typed up a prayer for me.  It helped enormously.  There it was in the pamphlet!  A good sign.  The pamphlet was making sense to me.  I do have a deep faith sometimes.  Sometimes, as is natural, it wavers.  I also read and am a huge fan of Julia Cameron – Good Orderly Direction.  There you go and I am off to the races.

Next event:  I am in the car and hear the beginning of an interview with Marlon James, the first Jamaican to win the Booker prize.  I am half Jamaican and read Caribbean literature at uni.  I dabble in it from time to time but had stopped.  So I decide to get the book from the library.  Of course, I don’t remember its name.  When I do the library search, other West Indian novelists show up.  I order some Colin Chaner.

I was a student of Earl Lovelace’s years ago.  I had no idea who he was until 10 years or so, maybe even closer, a friend of mine mentioned him.  I immediately read him and adored it.  His writing was never mentioned or touted at school.  He only taught for a year.   I just found out that a book of his came out to serious acclaim a year after I studied with him.  No one said anything at school.  In retrospect, I wonder.  Was it racial?  Or was it “intellectual”?  This was a department that touted Coover and McElroy.  I decide let me read some more Lovelace.  Another library search.  Ha, there is a book on Lovelace and Caribbean literature on Goodreads.  The library doesn’t have it.  I go to Amazon.  Well, I am not working so I can’t buy it but I will.  I read the blurb and information on the author.  I call my friend and tell her I should have written that book.  I could have written that.

Onto next topic.  Since I have been at home, I have realized that somewhere along the line, I stepped off my life.  I had older women friends that believed I could and would run a major US corporation!  That had not been my interest for years.  When I was much younger, I had had three major ambitions.  First, right out of high school, I wanted to be the next Henry Kissinger.  Then, I wanted to be the next Calvin Klein.  I had a therapist point out that I wanted to be men.  It never crossed my mind.  It was the position, not the gender.  Last, I wanted to be either president of Macy’s or Saks.  I am not aggressive enough and lost that dream.  Still corporately, I was chasing that vice presidency.  I started the job that just ended,  in 2000.  I knew I wasn’t going to stay there.  Ha!  I was there 15 years.  I stopped and stepped off.  I can’t figure out the complete why.  Yes, my parents died. My father’s death left me responsible for my mother.  She had dementia.  I severed relations with my brother.  I married.  He’s an alcoholic but presently in recovery.  That was pure, utter living hell. And I developed this condition.  Ok, I guess putting it down on paper, it’s enough to derail most people.  But like my mother used to say, “Is your name everyone else?”

Next, there’s an annual short story competition that I have submitted to in the past.  Three years ago, the topic was complicated families.  I was excited and drafted an outline of related stories.  I had a central piece firmly in mind.  Work intervened and I put it aside.

Full disclosure:  my father was a writer.  I was always intimidated to write in front of him as it were.  He was very critical.  When he was older I used to take him to the Edgars, the mystery writing Oscars.  It was always filled with “auteurs”.  People always questioned me on what I was writing, shop talk.  At the last one we attended the year he died, we spoke about it.  He knew I wrote at home and wanted to know what was going on.  I told him that I really didn’t think I was going to do anything till he was gone.  He told me to write and write now.  It was the greatest gift he gave me.  However, he died a few months later and it sort of sucked everything out of me.

So, I am home, not going into work and I am going to finish this complicated family 750 word story and I can’t.  I am blocked.  I do not like the way I am writing.  I call my friend and she suggests I write around it.  I am cleaning and praying (due to the Power of Positive thinking).

Next, a friend from high school is also clearing and comes across her journals where my name is mentioned.  I tell her you must be in mine, too.  I pull them out but can’t touch them.  Two weeks ago or so, I am writing in my current journal and my husband questions me about the whole concept. I pull one of the high school ones off the night table.  An unfinished letter to this very woman falls out.  Queue the Twilight Zone music.  I start flipping through this decades old book.  I find writing that is excellent and then realize it was mine!  Talk about squandering gifts.  It is disturbing to me.

Next:  Plan B.  As I was doing this clear out, I came across folders stuffed with my old writing.  I decide I will type or retype this material.  This will put it in a more stable format than yellowing, crumpled sheets and may rekindle writing. Now, over the past few years, I have  been talking to my friend about the great Carib- American novel and we have also discussed themes of the immigrant experience, what you take, what you leave, what you bring back.  Yesterday, I reach into the drawer to start my project .  I am stunned.  It is the “great Caribbean-American” novel, outlined and with some pages!  The ideas are outlined in some detail.    I have no recollection of starting this. I don’t remember writing this at all.  It is decades ago.  It’s not bad, in fact parts of it are good!

The universe has sent me a clear message. It’s time to write.

Resiliency

Posted on by tresswann

I have been without work for 4 months today.

On the positive side, I have been able to have some much needed rest.  I haven’t had to wake up at 4 a.m. ish since then.   My body clock has adjusted or righted itself to a 6:30 a.m. – 7 a.m. rise.  I go to bed around 10.  Finally, after years like a normal person.    I go to the gym.  I eat healthy food – read I have not gained weight at home.

On the negative side, I walk less.  I try but most days can’t get in near the amount of walking I did when I worked.  I would have thought I would have been improving significantly.  I am stressed but in a different way.  I need and want to work.

My walking has impacted my job search.  I know the first interview I went on was ageism and the “disability”.  They couldn’t get me out of there fast enough.  Other ones have been more subtle.  I had two companies that I went through several phone interviews.  I had to get on a shuttle bus for one.  When I was well I couldn’t get in those.  Ask anyone who ever had to take an airport shuttle with me.  The second one was the same day as the shuttle one.  I wobbled.  I need to use the cane.  It is stylish.  I try to wear non cloddy oxfords.  I wear loose pants over the spectral leg.  I disclaim that when I worked I took two subways everyday!  I work into the conversation how many steps I walk in a day – over 8,000.  This is seriously more than most “well” people do.

I have explored some opportunities on Long Island where I live.  The company recruiters have been upfront with me.  I am not cheap.  However, I have lots of experience and am excellent at what I do.  I had several conversations with a major national company out here that would have met my salary requirements.  I didn’t have to walk as my experience in and of itself was kind of threatening.  I was OK .  I made it through phone interviews to an in person assessment.  One person saw me with the cane.  And I walked well!  We had a really great conversation.  I had the experience and the approach they wanted.  This company told me when they made the initial call that they raised the salary because they knew with my experience, it was expected.  I received the standard thanks but no thanks e-mail today. I am finding it really hard to take.  My husband says it wasn’t my walking  but the expense.  I don’t know.  I usually believe everything happens for a reason.  Numerous times in the past I have not been offered jobs that I wanted and maybe should have had and it all worked out.  Sometimes, I didn’t see it at the time but later I did, including two jobs at the World Trade Center where in all  likelihood and seriousness, I would have died.

Finding work has always been hard for me.  This time has been easier for me in a certain way.  I almost always have something in the pipeline.  Years ago,  I was almost always one of two and almost always came in 2nd.  I don’t know where I am now.  Last time I had a termination like this it took me almost ten years to get back to where I was.   I don’t have the time, money or energy for that.

Normally,  I take these setbacks in stride. I was relatively calm four months ago.  Today I wept.  I almost never cry about anything.  My husband  was lost.  I am the strong one.  I don’t get blue.  I snap back.  It’s freaking hard.

It looks like I need to head back into NY.  Like Willie Sutton said, “that’s where the money is.”  I was liking sleeping like a normal person.

I am trying to find that resilience.  I know I am a resilient personality.  It’s hard.  It takes energy.  It takes faith..  If I don’t use the cane, I’ll lurch more.  I don’t know how else to address this.  My mind is fine. I feel “normal”  until I stand up.  I forget my physical limitations.  For the past month or so, in my dreams I find myself walking.  I wake and am crushed.

Digging down to get out.

Badlands

Posted on by tresswann

I have discovered Amazon Prime Music and I am in love and enthralled.  The music of my life at my fingertips, for free.  Well, for the annual membership which I use for tons of other things so this is just bonus.

I think I may be like many people in my age range.  I have albums of my music or as my little nieces say “What big CDs you have:.  I have downloaded some of it on my ipod.  But….  There are all those albums and memories.  I am in Amazon download frenzy.

This weekend  I found Badlands.  Serendipity.  I get through my life with music.  When I lose the music I know I am in bad shape.  After a long bad time years ago, I knew I was going to be alright when I heard Springsteen on the radio and felt joy again.

But Badlands is more .  Years ago I lost the job that I loved.  Why do we say lost?  I didn’t lose it, they let me go.  Eight and a half years of mostly love.  I believe the roots of my present condition hark back to that time.  I used to work insane hours happily.  I didn’t understand why people couldn’t wait till Friday or were upset at Mondays.  I travelled  all over the world for that company.  However, there was one trip.  I was really sick before I left.  I was going to spend two weeks in Japan and Taiwan and fly back to California to work a trade show.  Then I would stay a few days in Los Angeles with my boyfriend’s best friend.  Men who did that trip used to spend some days in Hawaii and their wives would fly out to meet them.  I was unmarried and wanted to go to the beach in Thailand (bucket list though the term wasn’t used then) .  Instead, I had to fly back to California to work.  One of the guys gave me advice on how to fly so sick.  “Blow Afrin constantly up your nose before landing.”  Well it worked.  I made it through landing.  Who knew half an hour later that the pain would be excruciating .  I was really sick.  I was the company’s “little girl”.  The men I had to meet for business were terrified that George (the president) would be furious if anything happened to me.  I was constantly plied with soup. I slurped my way through Japan and Taiwan.    There is a reason for everything .  I was in the same hotel in Tokyo as Mike Tyson.  His posse insisted that I “party with Mike.”  I couldn’t even croak.  Just nodded “no” numerous times and kept on going.  My brush with “destiny”. When stories came out about those girls later,  I totally believed.   I left Taiwan at 11 a.m. in the morning, landed in Los Angeles at 11 a.m. the same morning (international date line) and worked till 11 p.m. that night.  I was so sick I couldn’t think of staying in LA after the show.  Back in NY, I collapsed  in JC Penney’s.  I was diagnosed with pharyngitis.  I truly believe that disregard for my health is a source of my ultimate conditions.  And ironically enough on my return I found as scared as everyone was of telling George being furious if anything  happened to me they were also terrified of telling him that I was too sick to undertake that trip.  So, after all that dedication, passion and bad health, I was cut loose in the world.  I was gutted.  I lost my livelihood and most of my friends.  Well, I guess they weren’t my friends.  Actually,  I do still have some from those days and some have died.  In fact,  I had a card this week from one of them.  But with no money and no job ,  a disastrous marriage, I felt cut off from everyone including myself.  I would wake in the morning feeling as if there was a huge pillow in my face.  I left my then husband ( I love that phrase “my then husband”) and moved back with my parents.  They couldn’t acknowledge depression.  My mother was a pull yourself together type. She said to me at the time I had to learn how to do it myself because she wasn’t always going to be around to do so.

I was back in my childhood bedroom.  Me and my record player.  I started to play Darkness on the Edge of Town and Nebraska obsessively.  Badlands helped me through.  “Talk about a dream, try to make it real.  Spend your life waiting for a moment that just doesn’t come.    I believe  in the faith that can save me .  Raise me above these badlands. For the one who had the notion, notion deep inside, that it ain’t  no sin to be glad you are  alive. I’m gonna find one face that ain’t looking through me.  I want to spit in the face of these badlands.”  And that’s what I did.  I made it through the badlands.

 

And here I am again years later.  Another job “lost”.  Financially crunchy.  Up against those Badlands again.  It all came rushing back again.  This time I do not have my mother to put me back again.  I am starting to crash.  One thing I know I can’t and won’t go back to that freefall again.  Well, I still feel the joy of the music again.  And I still retain my resiliency.  Resiliency feels like a curse sometimes.  I used to tell my mother I felt like a Joe Palooka punching bag.  Every time you hit me I spring back.  My spring is getting kind of rusty.  This time there’s the extra wrinkles:  no parents, my condition, uh, actual wrinkles, a mortgage.  We wonder when I go for a job with my outfit coordinated cane/walking stick what the impact is on the hiring decision.  I had an interview where I had to get in and out of a van.  I would have and have had the same difficulties in the past with heels.  I am not the most graceful or coordinated person as numerous airport shuttle drivers can attest.

I see my resources dwindling as I hold onto faith.  And yeah, I’m blasting Badlands again

Lotteries and Windfalls

Posted on by tresswann

As with many people in the US a few weeks ago, we caught Lotto fever.  Over 1 billion is worth a flutter.  Overall, I am opposed to the lottery.  Originally in New York it was supposed to fund schools.  Really?  And look at the schools in Detroit.  But enough of that.

We bought a few dollars worth of tickets and began to speculate.  What would we do?  Husband announces that first thing we get the absolutely best doctor in the world for what we call MC (my condition).  Ok, you may say I am in denial but it works for me.  Everyone is different.  And after that we would buy a nice house.  We would pay off the one we currently live in.  I must paraphrase Hyacinth Bucket a.k.a Bouquet – the house that is now next to the used car lot with the massage parlor.  The parlor or message store as the police referred to it in a report I made after I had another flat in my driveway is temporarily gone.  Funny enough, as soon as we returned from police, the big sign in the front was gone.  Do I need to say more?

Then after a house for us, one for each of the boys and husband’s sister.  And then?  Well, lots to real charity.  In fact, the other night there was something on the news about local people being displaced and renovations  would have run a few million dollars.   Husband said, “We could have done that in a heartbeat if we had won.”  Well, we didn’t.

Recently, I have undergone significant financial reversals.  No, not the stock markets.  More along the line of no income.  It appears that hopefully after all the belt tightening, this is about to change.  As I anticipate this, another list to make.  Late last summer, a man who saw me commuting, pulled up his pants (nothing lewd here) and showed me a device on his leg.  He thought we had the same condition.  It’s a Walkaid and there’s also another product called Bioness.  They cost a few thousand.  We didn’t have any money when we spoke to the doctor about it and she said it might give me the same results as the Ampyra or it might be better.  It tops my new wish list.  I had to cut back on my traditional donations.  I was an officer at a bank years ago.  One of the first things I did when I received it was write checks to my favorite charities,  My co-worker thought I was odd but it used to give me a kick, almost as good as sex, more like a deep kiss.  Donations to AAUW’s Legal Advocacy fund and the County domestic violence unit.  My two favorites.

So what else have I been thinking about and missing?  Well, as I have said before clothing is my life.  Therefore, I shop.  I love the air in stores, the undercurrent, the lust.  It energizes me.  I remember being in Paris once hungry and tired but in track of a shop I had heard about.  I found it and revived like a flower in water.  Due to my own personal economic downturn I haven’t been able to do it for ages.  I am surprised.  This situation has made me less materialistic.  Clothes and cosmetics aren’t really part of this list. When I received word that things were going to be ok, I admit to flipping through a Smithsonian sales catalog and seeing some Christmas necklaces that would be wonderful for my elves next year.

So what else is on the list?  I want a car.  I wanted one for my milestone birthday.  And not just any car, a “luxury” car.  I am known for saying carwise I am OK with a box, wheels and a radio.  I certainly do not see a car as a reflection of who I am.  My ex-husband and my brother always derided me for that.  I wanna Buick, like the commercial.  It’s cute.  My brother-in-law who is amazing with dealers and dollars couldn’t make it work for me.  The car represents getting something for me and for once not settling.  That’s what it’s about.

This is what I have learned during this setback, downturn, whatever you want to call it.  I no longer want to settle. Not in terms of what I do for a living, not in terms of a car, not in terms of my health.  Oh, right after car on my list I have sliders for Zumba for my sneakers and a personal trainer.

It’s been a huge lesson and one way or another, in my mind, I have won my lottery.

January 2016 Check In and Prior Year

Posted on by tresswann

Start of a New Year so it’s time to not only look back at the previous month but also state of being (so much more than health) for the last year.

How did I feel this past Year?

It was definitely a mixed year.  I had some highs and lows.  Getting the Ampyra and being able to walk more was great.  I also was able to get nice “things”.  It was an acknowledgement that I was good enough.  I made my milestone.  I spent it with one of my best friends.  I lost 20 pounds because I ate right, not diet.

I lost my job and that’s what I did, it’s lost. So, maybe that’s a low.  We’ll see

How did I feel this past Month?

It’s the holidays – a bit frazzled.  I am surprised despite being home I didn’t get a lot done for the holidays. It’s like losing in a way.  Overall, a bit calmer.  Still trying to sort out.

What did you do for yourself this year?

Well, I did more exercise and was more mindful of my health.  The biggest thing is that I stood up on the job issue and have not taken it lying down.  I also validated myself  by believing I was good enough.

What did you do for yourself this month?

Well, the Elves Workshop was a blast.  I have more fun than they do.    Spent time with the kids which was great.  Applied for jobs like crazy.  Still trying to reconnect with me.  Restarted my gratitude journal and my journal.  The gym.

What did I eat this year and how did it make me feel –

The beginning of the year was better than the end.  I slowly drifted off plan.  It clearly reflects in my health.

What did I eat this month  and how did it make me feel –

Uh,  holidays?  Totally lost it.  Last year I didn’t touch the cookies.  This year I ate them all!  Still tried to mitigate when possible.

Did I exercise?  What did I do?  How did it feel –

I am going to answer for both the month and the year.  I increased it this year.  Partly due to the Ampyra, and part due to what I wanted and needed.  After the job ended, I started the gym more.   However, it’s not like in times past.  I realize it’s because I can’t take classes so miss the social bits.

For whom or what are you grateful?  What matters most in life?

Again, I feel blessed, especially at this time of year.  I can still walk.  I have friends I love and who love me.  Life is still full of possibilities.  I still feel joy.  Friends, health and love are what matter.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –

Still working on that mission statement.  I am thinking about joy.  Someone commented recently that I have always been smiling since I was a child.  And she should know.  So sharing that joy.    And whilst I don’t want to be a poster child, I am partly out about the MS.  Okay, I still don’t accept it.  However, if coming out prevents people being treated the way I have been jobwise, then so be it.  I guess at the end of the day I want my life to have mattered and changed someone else’s positively

Conventional medicine  Just the Ampyra and Baclufan.  Waiting for coverage for the biotin

Symptoms – Well the stress hasn’t helped.  I am a bit weaker.  My balance is the pits.  My hands are going but I am fighting.

What symptoms are most troublesome  – Walking as always. A bit wobbly too.

Do I blame myself for things – Same as always. Of course! Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. However, getting back to me, slowly, slowly but surely!

How is stress level?

Moderate.  There are days it peaks for sure.  When I take money out of savings to live and when I have to charge things.  But not commuting is so huge.  This still applies.  Feeling not working but am optimistic.  Stress is down a bit and manageable.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?

So aside from my Christmas pudding, a serious return to the right eating, sticking with the gym, gratitude and attitude.

Make 2016 count!

December Warrior Check In

Posted on by tresswann

Oh my.  I am not working a job and just realized I missed!  I am changing the questions from today to the previous month.  It’s more accurate

How did I feel this past Month?

Well still mixed.  I am still not working.  I have been getting much needed rest.  It is grand not to wake in the 4 a.m.  hour.  Having no money – not so good.   I don’t feel right about decimating my savings.  I worked so hard to put that money away.  I was finally at a point where I felt comfortable.  I know life isn’t about being material, truly but it was nice to go to dinner at a nice place and not stress, to get nice “stuff”.  I am trying hard not to be angry and resentful as that takes away from me and only lets them win.  I do believe that the evil you do comes back to you so I know the person behind what’s been happening will get it back in spades.  The way the world and life works I may not see it and that’s alright.  I do know that this time though I am not going quietly into the night.  I am going to fight it to the best of my abilities and limited finances.  So, in a certain way it is empowering.  I have reflected on what I have walked away from.  I have always been a great walker. Uh, slightly sarcastic.  Instead of dealing with anything, I just walked away, sometimes literally.

What did you do for yourself this month?

See above.  The rest and exercise have been great.  A lot of reflection.  I have started to write more and reconnect with people.  I am also evaluating how I have and am living my life.  On the fun side, getting ready for the holidays.  The Elves workshop is this Sunday which gives me enormous joy.

What did I eat this month  and how did it make me feel –

Trying to return to good eating slowly but surely.  It has to be the key.  What I have been thinking is that it really specific to each person within parameters.  So no gluten is a no brainer.  Eggs, not so sure.  Definitely non-processed.  Sugar is bad.  I don’t think it’s possible to cut it out completely but it can be taken way down.

Did I exercise?  What did I do?  How did it feel – I am going to the gym on a regular basis.  It’s showing in my waist but not so much my legs.  I am not walking enough now that I am not working.  This has been complicated by my fitness trackers not being accurate.  I understand for the holidays that situation is going to be fixed.  I am not getting the same addiction to exercise that I have had in the past.  It is partially due to the fact that I can’t do exercise classes.  I have been faithful with my Zumba but am beyond frustrated that I cannot do what I used to.  In my mind I feel the rhythm and I know how simple it is and my body won’t do it.

For whom or what are you grateful?  What matters most in life?

Blessed, especially at this time of year.  We had all the kids the night before Thanksgiving.  It fulfilled a dream I used to have.  I had a family around a table, laughing and talking and eating good food.  I feel grateful that despite not having a job, I have a home and we can eat.  Oh and yes, we somehow managed for now to have decent medical coverage so I can get the drugs I need to keep on walking

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –

Alright, no mission statement yet.  I believe in principles and integrity.  Years ago a minister told me I had an enormous capacity for joy.   I haven’t lost it this go round yet.  It’s important to share joy.  I tell my little “elves” that every year.  So, I hope that is something I will leave behind. And I stand on principle, proud of that.  By fighting back, I am fighting for others too.  At Zumba, I have been told I am an inspiration.  I have never wanted seriously to be a poster child.  However, if I can show people I believe in my life maybe they can too.

Conventional medicine  Well, I received the Biotin but unfortunately it is too expensive for me to get without a job and is never covered by insurance

Symptoms – Walking deteriorating a bit I think but I see it directly relational to stress.  I am weaker.  I had problems with a 2.5 pound weight the other day.  I used to easily lift 45.  I have had a UTI which also has impacted me.

What symptoms are most troublesome  – Walking as always. A bit wobbly too.

Do I blame myself for things – Same as always. Of course! Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. However, getting back to me, slowly, slowly but surely!

How is stress level?

Moderate.  There are days it peaks for sure.  When I take money out of savings to live and when I have to charge things.  But not commuting is so huge.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?  Eat properly, exercise, have an attitude of gratitude, be productive and positive.

Wishing all joy and health in this season of light and darkness.  We shine light in the darkness and then it ebbs into renewal.  Don’t you think?

November Warrior Check In

Posted on by tresswann

How do I feel today

Mixed.  I have been getting good rest.  Down side – I am out of work.  So,  I am not getting paid and there is confrontation in my future.  I am angry which is something that doesn’t agree with me.  However, it is an improvement of the stress that I have been undergoing since August.  I just want definitive closure which I don’t see for the definitive future.  It’s Sunday and I read the Times again!  I am slowly, slowly decompressing and getting back to me.

What did you do for yourself today?

I did my stepper and tried to recalibrate my tracker.  I am reading.  I will probably cook something healthy.  I will play with my tea business.  I calculated everything I have earned for the year so I can sort out my health insurance.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Still thinking about food and making good choices.  I did do chocolate but I am doing so much less of it.  I am looking forward to cooking something from Two Moms  in the raw.

Did I exercise?  What did I do?  How did it feel – Well,  I did the stepper and will do so again.  I have been to the gym twice this week.  Being out of work, I will start going practically everyday as I know from previous experience, it’s the only way I will stay sane and healthy.  It feels good.

For whom or what are you grateful?  What matters most in life?

Ah, I am blessed.  Someone I knew a long time ago said I was one of the few people at school that was authentic and cool and still am.  Kinda validates what I am about.  Grateful that I have the wherewith financial and emotional to weather this storm.

I have an opportunity to focus on getting healthy.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –

Driving force?  Well, I am standing on and committed to principle.  Hope it matters.

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine   I am going to start Biotin this week.Ampyra since April.  Baclufen.  I am seeing more and more about food.  I am thinking about mostly committing through the end of the year.  I should be at home and can couple it with exercise

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk.  This week I walked 11 blocks slowly during rush hour with a cane.  YeaH!

What symptoms are most troublesome  -still hung up on the ugly shoes!  And my hands seem to be weakening.  However, see stress rearing it’s ugly head.

Do I blame myself for things –  Of course! Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. However, getting back to me, slowly, slowly but surely!

How is stress level?

Coming down a bit.  Last month, I was returning to uncertainty.  This month is uncertain in a different way.  I feel calmer all in all.  Not getting up around 4 a.m.  Is HUGE!

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Exercise, structure and move forward

Until next month.

Style and Grace and holding on to cry at home

Posted on by tresswann

I can’t tell you how many times I have said to myself hang on until you can get home and cry.  I was brought up not to cry in front of people, not my family particularly, but certainly the outside.  I have tried to live my life, especially when confronting obstacles and difficult situations, with style and grace.  It’s like a mantra for me.  Big girls don’t cry.  I have said “Style and Grace” every time I have been let go on a job.  I use it all the time, most recently in the situations I have been confronting on my job.  Okay lately,   I also take a bubble bath the night before potentially contentious meetings with Not Soap Radio – Bathing with Sharks.

I am getting tired of all of this.  I am hanging on.

So, I was not supposed to cry.  I didn’t receive my diploma on graduation day.  This was huge.  Additionally,  I never thought I would get married or have a wedding so this was going to be my day.  I was tapped on the shoulder and told I wasn’t graduating as we started the processional.  No one understood why I didn’t have my usual smile.  As we dispersed and I saw my parents, I started to cry.  My mother slapped me and covered my eyes with huge dark glasses.  I was out of work for ages and got a job.  I went in to have lunch with the owner.  He told me I didn’t have one; he had changed his mind.  Yes, here it comes another smack and dark glasses.  My husband was arrested and in jail right after my father died and I couldn’t get him out,  I sobbed on my sister-in-law till I wet her clothes.  Came home and started to sob.  My mother looked at me and said ” I thought I raised a grown up”.  And no, of course I didn’t cry when my parents died.  I gave both eulogies, no tears.  This comes at enormous cost. Yes,  I cry,  I gush rivers, just not publicly.  When I was diagnosed, no tears.  When the first physician’s assistant said “I think you have MS” I sobbed in the parking lot, not in front of her.  Maybe three times since 2008.

I am tired of holding on.

I had a meeting with the other ugly stepsister (work)  three weeks ago.  I thought I was being let go.  Stood outside and repeated Style and Grace, style and grace.  Summoned my grandmother’s spirit.  Walked into the room with my head held high and  SMILED.  Bathing with sharks.

So, this week:

I find out on my birthday that my health insurance company is closing.  Do you know how many years I had to wait to get covered for this drug?  It truly helps me walk longer and better.  If you saw me on the street you wouldn’t think so but it is better.  My new normal.  What happens with new insurance?  Scared.

Next,  I return to work and one of the ugly stepsisters wants a meeting with me to discuss what I do.  This is the woman that I reported to briefly.  I was like coyote ugly trying to chew my leg off when I was working with her.  So, once again we go through  “What do you do, how do you do it?” And  she is going to have someone who uses the word “wordsmith” to write something for me!  I can read the handwriting on the wall.

Husband has had a slip or several so I am back to being tense when I get home.  No real safe haven.

I had an appointment to discuss possible options yesterday.  Between the two meetings I literally couldn’t walk and was collapsing, bent over.

Today, I still felt still weak. Lots of training, walking, meetings.  Ran into guy who brought me back to this place. He’s been trying to save my job.  Calls me into a room so I thought I was finally getting the move and recognition.  NOT!!  My agent who handles my billing is going out of business.  No one else wants to take me on.  Essentially, this means I am out.  What do I do?  Go back to my desk and frigging smile!  Ok so I contact the trifecta- my doctor, lawyer, accountant.  In addition to my smile, I am known as a survivor.  Keep on murmuring style and grace.  My body is channeling all the stress and I lurch to the train.  They change the track and the escalator and elevator are broken.  Nearly fell going upstairs.  I do make it to the car.  My whole plan this afternoon was to get home like a pigeon and cry.  I started to cry close to home on the phone with my husband.  His response?  “Don’t be such a girl”.

No tears but my stress pattern is reverting to two I had years ago.  I used to have pre-fainting – pre hyposyncopia (sp).  I turn grey and my eyeballs roll  up in my head but I don’t faint.  Later years, I got palpitations.  Tonight both.  I know it’s holding the anger and the tears.  Now with this condition it goes through my body.

And tomorrow – style and grace.

October Warrior Check In

Posted on by tresswann

How do I feel today  -Better than I have in awhile.  I am going back to work tomorrow after a week off and I am dreading it for numerous reasons.  However, it appears the hurricane has passed us by, the sun is shining and I am focusing on the positive.  I have so much to be grateful for. I also feel that I am back on track.

What did you do for yourself today?

I read the Sunday Times, most of it, on Sunday!  I cooked something healthy and good.  I was indulgent and bought nail polish

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Eating right except for dinner tonight – will have small steak.  On holiday I did OK and tried to be in balance

Did I exercise?  What did I do?  How did it feel – Ah, every month there is a weak spot, still trying to calibrate Jawbone but I definitely have not walked nearly enough in the last week.  I feel weak but determined.

For whom or what are you grateful?  What matters most in life?

Friends and family.  Last night the boys and their girlfriends joined the nieces and I at a mystery dinner at the church.  The table read Reserved – “X – Family of 8″  It made me feel warm.  The fiancee declared in 10 months, I will really be a part of this family.  I was given beautiful presents for my birthday and a beautiful card.  I spent 4 days with one of my best friends on vacation last week.  It was restorative. I had all kinds of birthday wishes from near and far.  And as someone once said ” You know Santa and the Easter Bunny?!!!”  What more could I or should I want out of life.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –

Ok, still a problem. Still believe deeply in joy.  In the last few weeks due to the situation at work where  I am no longer being allowed my medical accommodation,  I am planning legal action.  I have been told this will benefit other people.  So, there you go.

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Ampyra since April.  On my birthday, I read in the Times that my medical insurance company is closing so we are scared that I will lose this drug.

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk.  Lately,  I have been using the cane which I am going to rename a stick more and more each week.

What symptoms are most troublesome  -still hung up on the ugly shoes!  And my hands seem to be weakening.  Same as last month.  Getting a little wobbly.

Do I blame myself for things –  Of course!Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. However, getting back to me, slowly, slowly but surely!

How is stress level? Middling, as I have not been at the office Sept 23 but have to go back tomorrow and face the music.  I know I will survicw

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Continue to take positive steps in eating, exercise and most importantly the pursuit of balance.

Until next month.