Author: tresswann

Politics, Friendship, and Mortality

Posted on by tresswann

I just found out a few hours ago that one of my childhood friends passed away in his sleep last night.  Losing anyone so young is hard.  Well young is relative but I still feel relatively young and as my former sister-in-law said earlier this year “anyone dying before 80 is young.”

So, my mother worked with his father and we grew up on the same street.  His dad drank heavily and so did he but that’s what we did then.  He transferred in high school to an exclusive Catholic high.  I went to college with 6 boys from that school.  They told me that his drinking so disgusted them that they themselves threw him off the bus.  We used to drink at the same bar in our late teens and early twenties.

A memory – the New Year’s Eve  I was 21, I ended up at a party at his house with my two best friends.  The other Tress(same name) and I had dates.  Let’s put it this way, she was going out with Donnie and when I was around we used to double with his best friend who was called Hoppy, seriously.  He was far from hoppy but around 6 foot something and a solid 200 pounds plus.  He was a time filler for me.  Our other friend was just along for the ride.  Our original plan was to have a sleepover at my parents and then the guys came up with this party plan.  Somehow towards the end of the evening we ended up at J’s house.  His parents were there and some others too.  Not mine; not only did they no longer go out on New Years anymore but my mother didn’t like his father – read heavy drinker.  And it must have been very heavy as the first time I was drunk in public  was at her boss’s home(same company)  when I was around 16.  Different era, different mores.  Anyway,  Hoppy takes me over to his parents “Ma, Dad, this is the girl I have been telling you about.”  Big shock to me.  I don’t, didn’t do relationships, especially at that age.  So I am doing the drunken nice girl chat with parents and when I get away, M,  my other friend is in Hoppy’s lap, cooing to him “I want it and want it now.”  Different era, stumbled out of the house and walked the two long blocks home including one block that was a ballfield.  And it was a four lane road opposite parkway woods and a parkway.  A drunk 20-something couldn’t do that now.  Went into the house and my parents called out and asked where everyone else was.  The other Tress is with Donnie at J’s house and M?  M is f*cking her brains out with Hoppy”  Now you have to understand that was a big evil word then and I am known for not using “bad” words.  Upshot?  Parents yell at me for the profanity and M  comes in much later.  The other Tress never spoke to her again.  I am more forgiving but have to admit that I saw her in the subway 20 years ago or so and she was completely grey! Revenge is a dish best served cold.

At that point in time,  J was getting his life back together.  We used to hang in the same bar and have drinks. He was working at the local grocery store stocking frozen food.  He was going back to school.  He was very, very smart.  We had always been in the advanced class.  Then he said he made a girl pregnant that he didn’t even really like (it may have been the alcohol talking) and that was it.

Fast forward years and the advent of FB.  He was mad crazy about his grandson and was a successful guy.  Our high school always has a picnic and three years ago, I went.  Topic for another day.  There’s a candid shot of the two of us jabbering away.

 

But and there is always a but, he was far right and I am far left.  I grew up in Levittown and far right is the way most people lean but back in the day things didn’t seem as absolute.  I always knew that my views were not held by most.  J and I had a teacher in 7th grade who on reflection probably was in the John Birch society.  I vaguely reflect an argument over my not saying the Pledge of Allegiance with J.  Still, see above, we drank together.  However, I just couldn’t take it on FB.  As we and society have aged, we have become more polarized.  I hate hate speech.  Uh, yeah Levittown – 99.6 or 99.7 white when I was growing up.  I was at a high school dinner in Levittown a few summers ago and they were talking about how Nixon was right with Watergate not ‘Nam but Watergate.  Put Obama into the picture and just imagine.  I have only unfriended one person on FB and it was another elementary school onwards person with racist hate.  So, I hid J.  I only saw innocuous likes.

I knew he had moved back onto the Island from a neighboring state.  Today,  I see that he was right here in my town.  He was truly a part of my growing up.  Because I hid him, I didn’t know.  We could have and should have been able to move beyond politics to that common childhood.

When did we as a society become so divisive?  I recently read that people are deciding where to move based on the overall political makeup of an area.  What happened to us?  Where is the veneer of tolerance?  Fake it till ya make it works sometimes.  We are cutting off discourse and therefore growth.  I am guilty.  I am thinking of what I missed the last few years by cutting J off.  It makes this loss huger.

We don’t know what Fate holds for us, why waste time.

I mourn for J and for missteps.

Carpe Diem.  RIP J and I’ll be lifting a glass to Auld Lang Syne.

December Warrior Check In

Posted on by tresswann

Oh my.  I am not working a job and just realized I missed!  I am changing the questions from today to the previous month.  It’s more accurate

How did I feel this past Month?

Well still mixed.  I am still not working.  I have been getting much needed rest.  It is grand not to wake in the 4 a.m.  hour.  Having no money – not so good.   I don’t feel right about decimating my savings.  I worked so hard to put that money away.  I was finally at a point where I felt comfortable.  I know life isn’t about being material, truly but it was nice to go to dinner at a nice place and not stress, to get nice “stuff”.  I am trying hard not to be angry and resentful as that takes away from me and only lets them win.  I do believe that the evil you do comes back to you so I know the person behind what’s been happening will get it back in spades.  The way the world and life works I may not see it and that’s alright.  I do know that this time though I am not going quietly into the night.  I am going to fight it to the best of my abilities and limited finances.  So, in a certain way it is empowering.  I have reflected on what I have walked away from.  I have always been a great walker. Uh, slightly sarcastic.  Instead of dealing with anything, I just walked away, sometimes literally.

What did you do for yourself this month?

See above.  The rest and exercise have been great.  A lot of reflection.  I have started to write more and reconnect with people.  I am also evaluating how I have and am living my life.  On the fun side, getting ready for the holidays.  The Elves workshop is this Sunday which gives me enormous joy.

What did I eat this month  and how did it make me feel –

Trying to return to good eating slowly but surely.  It has to be the key.  What I have been thinking is that it really specific to each person within parameters.  So no gluten is a no brainer.  Eggs, not so sure.  Definitely non-processed.  Sugar is bad.  I don’t think it’s possible to cut it out completely but it can be taken way down.

Did I exercise?  What did I do?  How did it feel – I am going to the gym on a regular basis.  It’s showing in my waist but not so much my legs.  I am not walking enough now that I am not working.  This has been complicated by my fitness trackers not being accurate.  I understand for the holidays that situation is going to be fixed.  I am not getting the same addiction to exercise that I have had in the past.  It is partially due to the fact that I can’t do exercise classes.  I have been faithful with my Zumba but am beyond frustrated that I cannot do what I used to.  In my mind I feel the rhythm and I know how simple it is and my body won’t do it.

For whom or what are you grateful?  What matters most in life?

Blessed, especially at this time of year.  We had all the kids the night before Thanksgiving.  It fulfilled a dream I used to have.  I had a family around a table, laughing and talking and eating good food.  I feel grateful that despite not having a job, I have a home and we can eat.  Oh and yes, we somehow managed for now to have decent medical coverage so I can get the drugs I need to keep on walking

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –

Alright, no mission statement yet.  I believe in principles and integrity.  Years ago a minister told me I had an enormous capacity for joy.   I haven’t lost it this go round yet.  It’s important to share joy.  I tell my little “elves” that every year.  So, I hope that is something I will leave behind. And I stand on principle, proud of that.  By fighting back, I am fighting for others too.  At Zumba, I have been told I am an inspiration.  I have never wanted seriously to be a poster child.  However, if I can show people I believe in my life maybe they can too.

Conventional medicine  Well, I received the Biotin but unfortunately it is too expensive for me to get without a job and is never covered by insurance

Symptoms – Walking deteriorating a bit I think but I see it directly relational to stress.  I am weaker.  I had problems with a 2.5 pound weight the other day.  I used to easily lift 45.  I have had a UTI which also has impacted me.

What symptoms are most troublesome  – Walking as always. A bit wobbly too.

Do I blame myself for things – Same as always. Of course! Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. However, getting back to me, slowly, slowly but surely!

How is stress level?

Moderate.  There are days it peaks for sure.  When I take money out of savings to live and when I have to charge things.  But not commuting is so huge.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?  Eat properly, exercise, have an attitude of gratitude, be productive and positive.

Wishing all joy and health in this season of light and darkness.  We shine light in the darkness and then it ebbs into renewal.  Don’t you think?

Thanksgiving and My Soundtrack

Posted on by tresswann

Like I’ve said before, in my family, for holidays, for anything, we danced.  I find myself now barely being able to dance, let alone move.  We have the ipod on with one of my playlists.  I am maudlin.  I think it’s safe to drink wine.  My cheeks are rosy, my body is trying to move and I am thinking and remembering – songs from my playlist

Tainted Love – Soft Cell

I knew about AIDS long before the general public.  It was 1980 and Bobby O’Hara dumped me, again.  For what he told me was another woman.  I was working at the ubiquitous Izod, hating my job and my life.  Gary G. was gay and sat next to me.  He had been dumped too.  He would sit next to me in the afternoons and sing Tainted Love.  Little did I know how apt it was.  Gary told me about AIDS and gave me condoms.  He told me about this disease.  Ah, the cart was before the horse.  Bobby didn’t leave me for a woman but for a man.  Poor closeted boy. Midway through 1985, Bobby had died of AIDS.  I was safe though I didn’t know that for years.  Tainted.  Great way to get rid of unwanted attention and sometimes unfortunately wanted “My boyfriend died of AIDS”

Thunder Road – Bruce Springsteen

This song kept me going at least once. It’s one of my anthems. I grew up in Levittown.  One summer I played it over and over.  “It’s a town full of losers and I am pulling out of here to win”  I always wanted to leave and never did.  I used to see that road stretching out in front of me like a promise.  Well, I guess I finally did leave.

Good Thing – Fine Young Cannibals

Kevin always changes his voice mail to music to reflect what was/is going on in his life.  So things fell apart between us and Good Thing started showing up on his tape. I was his good thing.  Lord, that man could dance. He had this incredible body.  Life is all connected ’cause I took him to a party at Gary’s, didn’t tell him Gary was gay.  The man spent the party in a corner with guys saying “ooh, who brought Nick Nolte?”  Both of us can barely walk.  He would never ever  come for Thanksgiving even when we were together.  I was his good thing and he has always been mine.

We just disagree – Dave Mason

“There’s only you and me and we just disagree”.  My college love.  I used to play this for him.  I believe I bought the Boz Scaggs single, “It’s Over”.  What a mean bitch I was.  We are still friends.

Brown sugar  – Rolling Stones

Terry Toni and I used to dance to this at frat parties, smells of weed, alcohol, hormones  We would jump up like cheerleaders at the end, “yeah, yeah, yeah”  the three of us.   I see Toni on FB and she looks the same.  I am close but changed.  Terry and I can’t dance anymore.  Terry used to shimmy and shimmer.

Trucking – the Dead

When I first heard it, I didn’t know it was the Dead.  It was a band at Hopkins called Ocean Rose.  This song is inextricably connected in my brain with the smell of magnolia and beer. I have always maintained that beer spilled on the earth smells like flowers.  I guess it dates back to that time.  I remember the innocence and along with the scent of flowers, the scent of possibilities.

America  – Simon and Garfunkel

“I am empty and aching and I don’t know why” We all listened to Simon and Garfunkel.  Our junior high school music teacher went to high school with them.  America is different.  We used it as a processional for Social Action Youth at the temple.  A few years ago, I heard it again. The words resonate.  Cars on the New Jersey Turnpike and blasting Bruce Springsteen and the speed limit.

LA Woman – The Doors

I was newly thirty and so in love.  Kevin and I went to LA.  We landed and were driving at sunset.  This was playing on the radio. The air was warm, soft and glowing.   I thought that this was what it was all about.  See previous Kevin comments.  Well, we are still friends but LA left us behind.

I’ve got a rock and roll heart – Eric Clapton

Yes, I am bad.  I was having an affair with a married man.  He fancied that he looked like Sean Connery.  He wanted me more than I wanted him.  I was with Kevin, see above.  Yes, Kevin found out, was hurt and called his boss.  Roger wanted to leave his wife and was promising me the world.  What broke us up?  I believe in this song. I have a rock and roll heart and knew he didn’t.

Diamonds on the soles of her shoes – Paul Simon

Kevin used to tell the dog, well it’s Paul Simon, we must be at Tres’s again.  But this song, this song I associate mainly with someone else.  Kevin and I were not working out after years together.  I was so unhappy.  (See another blog for more on this)  My dad gave me money so I could take  a cab.  I was wearing patent leather flip flops with a rhinestone center.  This song for me is drunk and happy.  He was Irish.  I brought him home for Thanksgiving.  My mother said he was a transient.  He left me.  My father never said anything about the money.

Breakfast in Bed – Chrissy Hynde but originally Jamaican – Lorna Bennett Lorna Bennett

Ah, this is the beginning of my night life.   Kingston, Jamaica 16 years old and this played everywhere. I went to night clubs with my cousins, boy cousins and girl cousins. I danced.  I remember Epiphany, all black light with cocktail waitresses with wings and the scent of my cousin’s English Leather.   Certain lines influence your life, or at least mine.  This song, along with Faces “Stay with Me”  became my mantra – “Breakfast in bed, you don’t have to say you love me”.  Trying to understand why I felt that way at 16 before things in my life even started. “In the morning, don’t say you love me or I’ll only kick you out the door”.  Shape of things to come.  My beginnings

We didn’t get through the whole list.  It is the soundtrack of my life.  I am grateful for the music and for the insights it brings sometimes.  I miss dancing but my legs still move and my heart still sings.

The Colors Purple and Red

Posted on by tresswann

So, I was at a vendor fair today and took a short afternoon stroll to see what else was there. Ok, so maybe it was more of a gimp but not too bad.  I came back and sat down and my friend stared at my right hand.  Earlier, she had mentioned that another vendor was selling a bracelet just like mine.  Mine was from Corning,  glass irregularly shaped prism like glass in a wire wrap.  This complemented my black NMDJ jeans (last year I had to lie flat on the bed to attempt to zip.  This year, they are dropping off me literall) and a peacock print top.

Ah, can you tell clothing is my life?  I identify events in my life by what I wore when.  This started early. I was telling my husband this week that the first time I had a turkey leg I was ten and wearing a deep plum shantung silk  dress with jacket.  It had a crinoline, of course! A slim black velvet ribbon separating the top from the bottom. The top was white silk and there was the matching little jacket.  I couldn’t stand this dress.  I wanted one of those cheap pastel dresses that all the other little girls wore.  Now,  looking back I see the seeds of the woman I became and my taste.    I digress back to the day at hand.

No, my friend says your hand is purple.  I look down and lo and behold, it is flushed and purple.  Maybe dye came off my peacock top.  No,  it is your hand.  I was a little cold, nothing remarkable.  She grabs my left hand and it is totally normal colored.  My fingers and half way to my wrist are now deep purple even to me. She kneads my hand and the color returns.

Now, normally (uh, what exactly is that?) my hands turn bright red if I am having a hot flash.  These flashes are around a minute.  My hands and even my arms get deep red.  I was nowhere near a hot flash nor really that cold.  My feet were comfortable and they are always frozen.  I flash when I am upset.  I wasn’t upset.  The flashes are nothing.

Earlier, my right knee started to pulse,  visibly under my jeans.  Tonight, my left leg spasmed coming out of the tub.

So three odd things today, purple and red.

I want to wear decent shoes!

I have stared at my hands, looking for purple again and another betrayal.

 

November Warrior Check In

Posted on by tresswann

How do I feel today

Mixed.  I have been getting good rest.  Down side – I am out of work.  So,  I am not getting paid and there is confrontation in my future.  I am angry which is something that doesn’t agree with me.  However, it is an improvement of the stress that I have been undergoing since August.  I just want definitive closure which I don’t see for the definitive future.  It’s Sunday and I read the Times again!  I am slowly, slowly decompressing and getting back to me.

What did you do for yourself today?

I did my stepper and tried to recalibrate my tracker.  I am reading.  I will probably cook something healthy.  I will play with my tea business.  I calculated everything I have earned for the year so I can sort out my health insurance.

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Still thinking about food and making good choices.  I did do chocolate but I am doing so much less of it.  I am looking forward to cooking something from Two Moms  in the raw.

Did I exercise?  What did I do?  How did it feel – Well,  I did the stepper and will do so again.  I have been to the gym twice this week.  Being out of work, I will start going practically everyday as I know from previous experience, it’s the only way I will stay sane and healthy.  It feels good.

For whom or what are you grateful?  What matters most in life?

Ah, I am blessed.  Someone I knew a long time ago said I was one of the few people at school that was authentic and cool and still am.  Kinda validates what I am about.  Grateful that I have the wherewith financial and emotional to weather this storm.

I have an opportunity to focus on getting healthy.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –

Driving force?  Well, I am standing on and committed to principle.  Hope it matters.

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine   I am going to start Biotin this week.Ampyra since April.  Baclufen.  I am seeing more and more about food.  I am thinking about mostly committing through the end of the year.  I should be at home and can couple it with exercise

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk.  This week I walked 11 blocks slowly during rush hour with a cane.  YeaH!

What symptoms are most troublesome  -still hung up on the ugly shoes!  And my hands seem to be weakening.  However, see stress rearing it’s ugly head.

Do I blame myself for things –  Of course! Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. However, getting back to me, slowly, slowly but surely!

How is stress level?

Coming down a bit.  Last month, I was returning to uncertainty.  This month is uncertain in a different way.  I feel calmer all in all.  Not getting up around 4 a.m.  Is HUGE!

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Exercise, structure and move forward

Until next month.

Style and Grace and holding on to cry at home

Posted on by tresswann

I can’t tell you how many times I have said to myself hang on until you can get home and cry.  I was brought up not to cry in front of people, not my family particularly, but certainly the outside.  I have tried to live my life, especially when confronting obstacles and difficult situations, with style and grace.  It’s like a mantra for me.  Big girls don’t cry.  I have said “Style and Grace” every time I have been let go on a job.  I use it all the time, most recently in the situations I have been confronting on my job.  Okay lately,   I also take a bubble bath the night before potentially contentious meetings with Not Soap Radio – Bathing with Sharks.

I am getting tired of all of this.  I am hanging on.

So, I was not supposed to cry.  I didn’t receive my diploma on graduation day.  This was huge.  Additionally,  I never thought I would get married or have a wedding so this was going to be my day.  I was tapped on the shoulder and told I wasn’t graduating as we started the processional.  No one understood why I didn’t have my usual smile.  As we dispersed and I saw my parents, I started to cry.  My mother slapped me and covered my eyes with huge dark glasses.  I was out of work for ages and got a job.  I went in to have lunch with the owner.  He told me I didn’t have one; he had changed his mind.  Yes, here it comes another smack and dark glasses.  My husband was arrested and in jail right after my father died and I couldn’t get him out,  I sobbed on my sister-in-law till I wet her clothes.  Came home and started to sob.  My mother looked at me and said ” I thought I raised a grown up”.  And no, of course I didn’t cry when my parents died.  I gave both eulogies, no tears.  This comes at enormous cost. Yes,  I cry,  I gush rivers, just not publicly.  When I was diagnosed, no tears.  When the first physician’s assistant said “I think you have MS” I sobbed in the parking lot, not in front of her.  Maybe three times since 2008.

I am tired of holding on.

I had a meeting with the other ugly stepsister (work)  three weeks ago.  I thought I was being let go.  Stood outside and repeated Style and Grace, style and grace.  Summoned my grandmother’s spirit.  Walked into the room with my head held high and  SMILED.  Bathing with sharks.

So, this week:

I find out on my birthday that my health insurance company is closing.  Do you know how many years I had to wait to get covered for this drug?  It truly helps me walk longer and better.  If you saw me on the street you wouldn’t think so but it is better.  My new normal.  What happens with new insurance?  Scared.

Next,  I return to work and one of the ugly stepsisters wants a meeting with me to discuss what I do.  This is the woman that I reported to briefly.  I was like coyote ugly trying to chew my leg off when I was working with her.  So, once again we go through  “What do you do, how do you do it?” And  she is going to have someone who uses the word “wordsmith” to write something for me!  I can read the handwriting on the wall.

Husband has had a slip or several so I am back to being tense when I get home.  No real safe haven.

I had an appointment to discuss possible options yesterday.  Between the two meetings I literally couldn’t walk and was collapsing, bent over.

Today, I still felt still weak. Lots of training, walking, meetings.  Ran into guy who brought me back to this place. He’s been trying to save my job.  Calls me into a room so I thought I was finally getting the move and recognition.  NOT!!  My agent who handles my billing is going out of business.  No one else wants to take me on.  Essentially, this means I am out.  What do I do?  Go back to my desk and frigging smile!  Ok so I contact the trifecta- my doctor, lawyer, accountant.  In addition to my smile, I am known as a survivor.  Keep on murmuring style and grace.  My body is channeling all the stress and I lurch to the train.  They change the track and the escalator and elevator are broken.  Nearly fell going upstairs.  I do make it to the car.  My whole plan this afternoon was to get home like a pigeon and cry.  I started to cry close to home on the phone with my husband.  His response?  “Don’t be such a girl”.

No tears but my stress pattern is reverting to two I had years ago.  I used to have pre-fainting – pre hyposyncopia (sp).  I turn grey and my eyeballs roll  up in my head but I don’t faint.  Later years, I got palpitations.  Tonight both.  I know it’s holding the anger and the tears.  Now with this condition it goes through my body.

And tomorrow – style and grace.

October Warrior Check In

Posted on by tresswann

How do I feel today  -Better than I have in awhile.  I am going back to work tomorrow after a week off and I am dreading it for numerous reasons.  However, it appears the hurricane has passed us by, the sun is shining and I am focusing on the positive.  I have so much to be grateful for. I also feel that I am back on track.

What did you do for yourself today?

I read the Sunday Times, most of it, on Sunday!  I cooked something healthy and good.  I was indulgent and bought nail polish

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – Eating right except for dinner tonight – will have small steak.  On holiday I did OK and tried to be in balance

Did I exercise?  What did I do?  How did it feel – Ah, every month there is a weak spot, still trying to calibrate Jawbone but I definitely have not walked nearly enough in the last week.  I feel weak but determined.

For whom or what are you grateful?  What matters most in life?

Friends and family.  Last night the boys and their girlfriends joined the nieces and I at a mystery dinner at the church.  The table read Reserved – “X – Family of 8″  It made me feel warm.  The fiancee declared in 10 months, I will really be a part of this family.  I was given beautiful presents for my birthday and a beautiful card.  I spent 4 days with one of my best friends on vacation last week.  It was restorative. I had all kinds of birthday wishes from near and far.  And as someone once said ” You know Santa and the Easter Bunny?!!!”  What more could I or should I want out of life.

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –

Ok, still a problem. Still believe deeply in joy.  In the last few weeks due to the situation at work where  I am no longer being allowed my medical accommodation,  I am planning legal action.  I have been told this will benefit other people.  So, there you go.

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Ampyra since April.  On my birthday, I read in the Times that my medical insurance company is closing so we are scared that I will lose this drug.

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk.  Lately,  I have been using the cane which I am going to rename a stick more and more each week.

What symptoms are most troublesome  -still hung up on the ugly shoes!  And my hands seem to be weakening.  Same as last month.  Getting a little wobbly.

Do I blame myself for things –  Of course!Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. However, getting back to me, slowly, slowly but surely!

How is stress level? Middling, as I have not been at the office Sept 23 but have to go back tomorrow and face the music.  I know I will survicw

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Continue to take positive steps in eating, exercise and most importantly the pursuit of balance.

Until next month.

My Birthday

Posted on by tresswann

Well,  I hit my milestone today.   I have been so wrapped up in this for the past year.  Finally, this week I decided it wasn’t all of that.

So,  I took time off from work and drove up to Finger Lakes to spend some time with one of my besties and husband.  Sunday night we sat outside on the deck and watched the blood moon.  A magical beginning.

Today we drove and saw art and did a little shopping.  And then great wine with friend.

I feel so blessed.  I may have problems walking but I am surrounded by love and new possibilities.  Both my stepsons and their girlfriends called me.  I had best wishes on Facebook.  Messages from friends when I woke.  Awesome card from husband.

I have hope despite all.

Age is a number and a troubling number at that.  I have never done well with numbers.  Can’t say I am looking forward but not looking back either.

I will make this last part of my life count!

I am so blessed

September Warrior Check In

Posted on by tresswann

I recently took one of those Facebook  quizzes and both my first and middle names mean warrior princess

How do I feel today  –   Mixed.  Recently, there has been a reorganization at work and my medical excuse is not being honored.  So, on the positive side  I slept till nearly 7 a.m. this morning.  And I am not allowed to work from home at all.  Upside, I am getting back in touch with me and what makes me tick and joyous.  Other side:  I am limited.  I am planning a tea with friends next weekend and am dependent on my husband to get things.  I have a wonderful tea set.  It’s upstairs boxed because he doesn’t like it.  It’s too far in the eaves for me to pull it out so I won’t be able to use it.  This frustrates and hurts me.  He is angry and moody today which also brings me down.  I realize this must be hard for him but it is harder for me.  I fell yesterday morning and that is upsetting him.  I am working on something, late as usual, that is pictures of both of us.  I was short some of me as a child and went upstairs to get a few.  It hurts.  I have no children.  My brother and I are estranged.  These photos mean nothing to anyone but me.

What did you do for yourself today?

Well,  I am taking stepson to lunch.  I am going back upstairs to straighten up.  I am planning my tea.  Maybe, just maybe I’ll get to read

What did I eat today and how did it make me feel – I have been moving more and more to eating in a way that will help me.

Did I exercise?  What did I do?  How did it feel – Replaced Fitbit with Jawbone and trying to calibrate it.  Gym is a possibility.  I am looking for a new job so want to be/appear stronger.

For whom or what are you grateful?  What matters most in life?

I have been thinking a lot this month about the stepkids.  I am so blessed.  And I get along with their girlfriends/fiancee.  I asked fiancee to lunch and she thought I was mad at her but accepted anyway.  How cool is that?  It was to give her something for her wedding day.  After a certain point I never thought I would have children in my life.  I guess I do. It’s hard for me to believe they care for me. It’s a great gift.  And one of the reasons I have them is because of my friends.  I have friends who are amazing lifelines to me.  When I first became involved with the boys they were my guiding lights.  I am blessed!

Do I have a higher purpose or driving force in my life?   Make a mission statement –   I still have problems with this one.   I had a minister who once said I had a great capacity for joy.  Let’s go with that one for now.  I do an elves workshop for nieces every year and I tell them it’s about spreading joy.

How long have I been treated with conventional medicine Ampyra since April.  The Ampyra continues to work.

I met a man with a walkaid device and that looks appealing

The first time I had a symptom – June 2004 walking on the beach boardwalk.  Fell twice at home recently but it’s due to stress.

What symptoms are most troublesome  -still hung up on the ugly shoes!  And my hands seem to be weakening.  Same as last month.  Being dependent or limited is driving me wid.

Do I blame myself for things –  Yes, I am still blaming myself for not being aggressive against this. Still!  I let go of me and who I am and could be.  This month thinking about the self sabotage

How is stress level? Very bad.  Work is worse and it’s having a financial impact.  Like Scarlett O’Hara, I’ll think about that tomorrow.

What can I do tomorrow to make it better than today?   Continue to get back in touch with me and what gives me joy.  Organize the clutter

Until next month.

When It Rains….

Posted on by tresswann

I am having problems at work.  Change in the organization and I am no longer allowed to work at home, even with the doctor’s note.  I am getting it sorted but in the meantime it’s having a significant financial, mental and physical impact. I have a letter from my doctor saying I should not be in the office when is 85 or more.  Me, I thought 90.  The problem is I commute and am in the subways.  The first time must have been 6 years ago or so and I arrived home with 102.5 fever.  I was in Times Square and all of a sudden could barely walk.  Doctor didn’t know what came first.  Until  I get sorted out, I am continuing to go in.  I see where this is going – oh she can’t be here and she can’t do the work.  So I struggle and husband comes in and helps me home.  It is expensive.

Wednesday, when I left they were announcing delays and signal problems.  Normally,  I would have turned around and gone home and worked.  Wednesday would have been perfect as I had training scheduled with Ireland and they had wanted it early but in the office my best offer is 730 a.m.  The ride which is usually under an hour was almost two and a half.  I can’t sit or stand for long times.  Then just as we started to move,  I heard for real for the first time “Is there a doctor, medical personnel or law enforcement on the train.  If so, please come to car number in the front of the train.”  Now,  I get out in NYC, people are late plus it’s peak so a pushy, fast mob.  Exactly why I travel alternate hours.  I miss my pill which helps me walk.  No water and it can’t be broken apart.  Get on the bus and they announce a detour as the street is closed.  I can’t make this stuff up!

My husband can’t come in and help me because the trains aren’t working,  I have to leave early to avoid any mess.  I do make it through the stations in the high heat.  I arrive at Penn, with  4 minutes to spare for a train to where I need to go.  I have to tell you I love travelling with the construction workers.  They pick me up when I fall and super polite. I had to walk downstairs – numerous offers of help and no one pushed me on the train.  I get a seat!  Settle in like a bird in a nest.  Announcement:  We are experiencing equipment problems.  Really!  Luckily, it sorted out.  I was so grateful.

Cut to this morning – I have on a white toile dress.  Get my coffee, granola with milk, walk into my office/den and left toe goes.  Everything flies all over the place.  Upside nothing broke – not my body, not the cup, not the bowl.  And miraculously, not a drop on the white dress.  I know I fell due to the stress!

But I am now off for a few days!